Falling in Love Again

I know this isn't shocking to anyone, but (like so many millions) I love Adele.  Her music is what we listen to when we need to cry, when we need to let it out.  I listened to her new song once and had to stop, but today I read a new interpretation of the song, that Adele is not signing to an ex boyfriend and trying to reconnect with him at all.  It's about Adele trying to reconnect with herself after a breakup. 

Relationships are wonderful and terrible and so hard.  When you are like me, and have been single for a while it's hard to balance friends with a new love and with family.  Like a typical 15 year old (or again all of us) I dropped everything for B. I tried to still keep a toe into my friends and family but with only getting to see him every other weekend and one of us traveling, our time together was sacred so, in a way, I stepped out of my life.  I was sitting at my cousin Aaron's football game today and realized that I don't get invited to things anymore.  Once you've said no or I’m busy too often then people stop asking. 

I feel like I need to make up with myself, learn to fall in love with my life and myself again.  It feels familiar to be disconnected though, I used to travel a lot for work and I missed so much that I have been disconnected for a while.  If you read the lyrics with the spin towards Adele talking to herself it's exactly what I’m feeling. 

Hello, it's me

I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet

To go over everything

They say that time's supposed to heal ya, but I ain't done much healing

Hello, can you hear me?

I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be

When we were younger and free

I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet-Adele

This is what we do, we give all to a relationship and when that rug is yanked from our feet we stumble, we crash to the floor and we fall apart.  A friend was asking what she could do to help, how could she make me feel better and it hit me, I've drifted so far from my center that I just don't know.  I can't tell her, I have no idea what will help.  Stupid time will, but that's about all I know.

I've been thinking a lot lately about falling in love and what we do when we start to fall.  If you really stop and think about it, when we fall in love with someone, all we want is to be with them and learn everything we can.  How often have you said we finish each other's sentences? We can communicate with a single look? He knows me inside out? I know I've said and felt all of those things, they are true. I'm not even on the same planet as being ready to feel that for someone else again.  But  maybe I want to feel that about myself? What if I want to fall in love with myself?  I think I've started in the right direction. I'm writing again and I started painting, watercolors are really fun.  And tomorrow is another exciting adventure, I signed up with a personal trainer.

This blog will get back to some of what I'd originally pictured it as, me being super cranky about having to work out.  The creative side of me is being nurtured and cared for, my actual job is a going well so now I want to work on getting physically stronger. 

What can you do to fall in love a little bit with yourself?

I am enough

It's been an interesting journey the past few months, and interesting is being kind. I talked to Mike last night about this feeling of sadness, this sneaky quiet feeling of emptiness and loneliness.  Mike asked me a question about how this feels, does this feel any better or different.  Let me just warn you that being best friends with a journalist is painful.  Mike always knows what to ask and because he knows me, he knows exactly how to ask. 

When your heart is first broken, when the feelings are raw and you are still reeling from the betrayal and disappointment it is overwhelming and sharp and constant.  And then suddenly it isn't constant and it's a bit duller.  You realize you can get up and start to handle life again and maybe you feel a little cocky. I've got this you think, I did this the right way and now it's done and as you are patting yourself on the back for doing so well, you get sucker punched again. FREAKING AGAIN.

I don't know why it hit me so hard this week, I don't understand what happened to bring it all down around me again. It's not like when he first broke us up, it's not so sharp, it's more dull waves that come and go.  There are reminders and I still flip off Kansas drivers whenever I see them, but it's different.  Tom pointed out that I’m living in it-not dwelling but living in it.  I am willing to talk, I'm willing to be honest and talk about how much this all hurts and throws you off your orbit.  My hope is still that my stories help someone else and help me to make sense of all this.

I find that I am talking to myself in trite hallmark sentiments that inspire rage when I hear them from other people. I think a lot about how I will come through this so much stronger than I was before. I know that he will regret quitting on  us for the rest of his life, that he will be lesser for losing me and I'll move on to find a true partner in life, not a quitter. I'm learning so much about myself right now and that's a new level of fitness for me. Get to really know myself, do what I can to help myself feel better or at least not feel worse.  My painting class ends tomorrow night, it's been fun playing with color and water.  I have an idea of what's next for me, it's time to get back to the gym.

I emailed a couple of trainers this week to setup interviews to find my own Jillian Michaels or Bob Harper.  I keep thinking that with the breakup I have done things differently and that's worked out for me, or so people are telling me.  So why not go to the next level with working out, hire someone to inspire me and push me.  All that will happen in 6 months is I'll either still be frustrated with my progress or I could have a whole new body, either way I'll be a year older.  I think I'd like to be a year older and a few sizes smaller and so much stronger.

Strength will win, courage will win.  From Rising Strong from Brene Brown:  "No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It's going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am brave and worthy of love and belonging."

Winning

First…hahaha I mad you think of Charlie Sheen, and if you didn't now you are.

This week I've been thinking about social media and breakups. In the past when we'd break up with someone the most we could do was to drive by their house or call and hang up hoping he wouldn't just so you could hear his voice on the answering machine.  Now there is Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and a million different ways to keep putting a hand in the fire and hurting ourselves.  Unlike drive bys and answering machines, online stalking is so much more anonymous. I don't know how relationships work in this new digital age, it seems so much more painful than what we used to go through, can you ever really disconnect completely from your past?

Mindy and I had a long overdue breakfast and, as happens with close friends, I cannot help but tell her the truth of what's going on. I try to hide it and pretend, but one look and the full stories spill out with I'm ok but not great, etc, blah, blah, blah.  She's knows the whole ins and outs of what B and I had been through to get together  and wanted to hear I was really ok now that he'd ended us so abruptly.

She's in a relationship but divorced a few years ago and, like we all do, made some mistakes. One of her mistakes will email her once a quarter or every six months to check in, he keeps trying to weasel his way back.  We talked about why she doesn't just ignore him and it clicked with me. By him reaching out and not her being the one to instigate, I pointed out that she's winning.  And that's what it is she wins the breakup. And that's why we don't block them, it's a staring contest, last one to blink wins.  And by not blocking them we can keep that line out there and keep tempting ourselves again and again.  I have a couple of those mistakes in my past too and it is beyond tempting to reach out but then again I don't want to be the one who blinks.

B and I weren't friends on FB, but we have people in common, he's popped up here and there on comments and as a FB friend suggestion, but I don't  pull the trigger, I don't block him-not sure that would stop me from seeing his comment on a mutual friend's post, but I can't do it. I haven't gone and searched him either.  And yet as I’m typing this I can't help but wonder does he check up on me too? He originally encouraged me to blog and was my biggest cheerleader.  He knows it's out there but has he read the blog recently and seen my very public musings on getting my heart broken? Does he feel horrible even though he fell in love with Candi with a fucking i? Why do I even care? It's because I'm keeping score in my heart and I'm not the one winning, at least not yet.  And that's the thing I have an issue with, I want this to be done, I want to be past all of this, I want this to be finished. Like B, I want to have moved on.  And that stops me from being here today, like a petulant child wishing away every day so I can be grown up, I'm wishing today away.

I just read a post from Daily Zen: Loving the present moment isn’t complicated. In fact, it’s remarkably simple. The issue is that we’ve been conditioned to do everything the hard way. We take the path of least resistance, which is, ironically, the most difficult path. The path with the fewest obstacles is the least valuable path. It doesn’t teach us anything. It’s easy to make peace the present moment when there aren’t any obstacles in your way. It’s more difficult to do when you experience obstacles, and when you perceive obstacles as problems. If we can make peace with the present even when it’s testing our patience, we can exist in peace under any circumstance. (http://www.thedailyzen.org/2015/10/10/how-to-love-where-you-are/)

What is Dating Fitness?

When I started the blog, it was all about how much I dislike working out and the journey of investing into my 80's but it's morphed into more holistic views of fitness.  I asked a few weeks ago on my Facebook if I should change the name to something else and someone pointed out that fitness is more than just physical. Fitness is mental, it's emotional, it's spiritual, it's financial and that's the direction I want to turn, fit in all things.  And the dating part, that's because I want to try lots of different things before I commit to any one thing. I want to see what works for me in working out or in figuring out my future. I want to explore different options for who I want to be.

That’s the interesting thing about all of this, who we think we are at 18 and 25 is very different than who we are at 30 and 35.  Where I am now, it's all about saying yes and trying new things.  That's what dating is, trying and finding out what you like, who you like.  That's what I'm doing now, the cliché of the newly single, I'm dating myself.  Even typing that simultaneously makes me cringe and laugh. 

I spent the past four days in Las Vegas with some of the most wonderful people on the planet, I love being so quickly welcomed and included into a family. Originally B and I were going to fly out early on Wednesday and spend the day together, he wanted to show me his Vegas (lived there for a decade or so) but then we broke up and I had a whole day to myself before everyone got in.  I texted with a friend, was staggered at how sad I was to be there without him.  But even saying that out loud helped, it wasn't a secret, it was out of my head. 

So I had a day to myself in a city that is overwhelming, I had options.  I looked at skydiving but at $300 it was a bit too pricy for what I wanted to spend.  I considered zip line on Fremont street but that seemed too touristy and really would rather have had someone with me. Ultimately I spent the day at the pool reading and enjoying cocktails and texting, getting the sad out of my system (thank you J).

I spent three days not making a decision, I was able to follow the purple sweater and just say yes to everything. I tried gambling-real gambling not just the slots. I played roulette, craps and blackjack. I watched people who truly know how to play cards. We wandered around the hotel and up and down the strip. It's hard not to be overwhelmed by the people and the noise.  And I have reinforced that my own tolerance for Vegas is 4 days, just like Manhattan, eventually there are too many people and so much noise. But I'd go back again, it is like being on another planet.

So what does this have to do with dating myself? I have no idea but then again we all have those dates that we have no idea about until much later.  This week I'll continue on my dating adventures in the fourth week of my painting class which I love.

I think that this idea of dating fitness is something each of us can do, we can know ourselves a bit better, we can strive for more in this life.

Mother, Life Coach, Financial Analyst

Jen and I went to see Psychic Andy (http://www.andymyersonline.com) on Friday for a Gallery Reading. I had no idea what that was and was excited to see.  A disclaimer, I'm not sure what I believe about psychics and ghosts and heaven reaching through a medium to deliver messages, but why close out something that could be helpful.  End of disclaimer.

What happens is that there were about 90 people in a room and Andy opened the floor for questions. I couldn't figure out what question I wanted to ask but 1/2 way thorough it occurred to me that I want to know if I’m on the right path.  The breakup has pushed me in a different direction, I haven't gone to any of the normal vices, but instead am talking about it, writing, getting back into poetry, painting and I swear as  soon as I have a minute I’m going to start running again.  I was the last person Andy called on, I think I was the 10th? 

I asked my question, I'm dealing with a breakup in a whole new way and am I on the right path? He paused and said, from what I can see you have a lot of paths in front of you, I don't see a wrong one. That was comforting and honestly deep in my bones I do know that, but what he said next stopped me in my tracks.  I verified this with Jen later, but he said, you can't be mother, life coach and financial analyst in a relationship.  That stung a bit because looking back at it, I can see it.  I can see very clearly that I do that, I take care of everything, I am a fixer.  He said he can see that I attract damaged people, alcoholics, and people who can't take care of themselves financially.  When I look back, it's glaring.  While I appreciate that everyone has issues I seem to attract really broken men, and realizing that I don't have to fix everyone I date or fall in love with is (believe it or not) surprising.

He pointed out that it's up to me to break the cycle, that now I know it exists I can do differently next time, and there will be a next time. He said I wouldn't be alone, that He is out there, Andy just didn't know when or how it would happen.  That this man would be financially stable (yea!!), that he'd be funny and kind, that he could have a cocktail and a good time but isn't damaged.  He said he would respect my need to wear the pants and go with the flow.  He would be laid back and know when I just need a hug.  So funny and financially secure are both on my current list of four items, half my list Andy saw for me.  At this point he pointed out that there is a difference between psychic ability and being a medium, I was the first person he wasn't being a medium for-this was more psychic. 

The skeptical part of me thinks it's all hooey and that he is like a horoscope, you read in whatever you want from the answers.  But he could have said anything about me and what I was going through, he could have picked any characteristics but he nailed me specifically.  I think if nothing else it gives me hope. I'm not in any hurry to jump into the next relationship, I’m not rushing anything I'm still just figuring it out.  I'll be my own mother, life coach and financial analyst. 

Perfection

I am fully aware that life is about progress, not perfection.  But the control freak perfectionist inside of me really wants to pick up a paintbrush and become instantly an expert.  Is that too much to ask?  I want to pick up a pen and immediately become the Poet Laureate, I want to touch a keyboard and write the great American novel.  The idea I have for a screenplay should immediately win me an Oscar. I honestly don't think that's asking too much.  

Historically, I have let that pressure stop me from choosing to participate in so many things that it's embarrassing.  I have avoided fun runs, dancing with friends, taking trips, talking to the cute guy on the motorcycle, these are the few that come to mind immediately anyway.  Since the breakup though I have decided no more of that, no more of quitting before I start. If I really want to try something I’m going to try it. If I want to go somewhere I'm going.  More importantly I'm ok doing these things alone.  I signed up for a few art classes and am going alone. I have a trip to Vegas at the end of the month and I am taking my travel day there alone there instead of pressuring someone (cough, Mike) to come with me. I have learned that while I thought I was more when I was part of a couple with B, I am a whole person just by myself and my whole person wants to do things.

I spent some time this afternoon playing with color washes and sponges and experimenting with water and how it impacts the color, trying to see how it all works.  I am so sad to report I am still not an expert however I did lose 2 hours in the process. I was able to shut my brain off and meditate a bit lost in aquamarine, magenta and forest.  I love the times that my brain turns off, the times when I just get lost and for me the only times that happens is when I'm writing or doing my new hobby, painting.  I think time when we can try things and fail are so important in realizing there is more this life than just work, there is more than socializing. 

What I've been learning the past few weeks is that I really do like who I am, I like who I'll become.  I'm not afraid to try new things, I'm not afraid to fail (my perfectionist is screaming), I'm not afraid of changing my mind.  All of these things lead to such adventure.

Hard Habit to Break

The hardest thing in a breakup is the habit.  The habit of knowing B's schedule inside out and knowing at 12:25 he'd be getting off work, or at 3:30 he'd pickup his daughter at HS or that at 5pm he'd be heading to the apartment to make dinner or go for a run. Knowing someone like that inside and out puts too many reminders on a clock.  I loved this man wholly and completely and I am moving beyond that but it's the habit of him that is harder to break. 

Friends and family are making fun of me right now for my overly packed schedule. My mom has tut-tutted at being busy every single night, but that's one way to break a habit, find new things to do.  With our relationship spanning 180 miles from Omaha to Overland Park, I spent far too many evenings talking to him via Skype and would just be at home.  Now I have hours to fill and an obligation to myself to find out what I like and what I want to be.  I was in a training class today and the instructor mentioned that our creativity peaks at 5.  It makes total sense to me, that's when a majority of us start school and are forced to stand into seating charts, coloring inside the lines and following a very regimented schedule, this follows us all the way through college and into our jobs.  But there is a creative side to me screaming to get out.

I know, not shocking to anyone who reads my work. I have the blog, poetry and have started a watercolor class.  I want to create things in this world that seems so destructive.  I want to put new things out there and see what I can do to make sense of the world around me, make sense of this betrayal and breakup.  So far all I have is that I had something to learn from him and that there is something much better coming.  That's how it's always been, whatever breaks my heart is replaced by something so much greater than I could ever have imagined.  Getting laid off from CSG led to consulting and my own LLC and another Master's degree.  My divorce led to some of the deepest and most meaningful friendships and love I've ever known.  With this latest heartbreak all I can do is turn it all over to God, the Universe, Buddha, whomever you believe is in charge of these things. I can only sit back, feel the feelings and trust so much more is coming.

So habits?  Usually right now B and I would be talking on my way home, so instead I wrote and am acknowledging that I miss him, I miss our habit.  And for today, that's enough-just acknowledging what I'm really feeling and breathing.