We always think that it's hard to be dumped, that it's more earth shattering to be the one who is left but being the person who has to say "I'm leaving" is also gut wrenching. I've been on both sides, and it almost seems easier to have your heart broken than to break someone else's.
I've been toying with a breakup for a few months now. And it's time to go public. When I was running on my cruise in February, I kept thinking it's time to end it. Running those slow laps around the top deck of the pool, surrounded completely by crystal blue water and I nearly dropped to my knees, I was done.
I haven't talked to anyone about this, breakups can be very personal especially when you are breaking up with yourself. I decided in that moment that the old Shel had to go. The Shel who was full of excuses, who comforted herself only with food, and the girl who was content to be the "funny" one. I was tired of her, tired of carrying her around with me.
So here it is, two months later and I'm ready to say it. The Old Shel, she's done. I'm sure that there are times when I'll want to go running back to the safety of what I've always known. But like any truly doomed relationship, the rebound will be fast and soon enough she will be gone.
It's important to be gentle when breaking up, when standing up alone and saying I want more. But she got custody of all of my former coping skills. She is taking the food, the self pity, the laying around and weeping and most importantly she is taking the past. I have custody of the running shoes, the bicycle and helmet and some really great fitting work out clothes. I have custody of the future, and from where I sit, the clouds are parting and the sun is shining.
If you see her, be gentle, it's a whole new world.
