I was having lunch
this week with one of my favorite people and we were talking about how pissed
off we are that as smart successful people we keep doing the same thing over
and over with food (seeking comfort) instead of the "heathy" things
we have learned that are supposed to help us get through. There are so many great avenues out there,
mediation, yoga, journaling, talking to friends, taking a walk, taking a nap,
or any of a thousand other things that we've decided are better for us than old
habits.
I've talked about
how we are flying without a net and that we have to figure new way to
cope. She said that it's the feeling the
feelings that is the problem, we fuss and ponder but we don't quite know how to
feel the feelings. Numbing feels better
than being angry or sad or lonely or disappointed.
I sprang out of bed
this morning thinking about that very thing when once again my own abandonment
and sadness issues crept in, I immediately went running back to sugar. Sugar is
my personal enemy because I know it makes me nuts. I jumped out of bed because I realized that
we survived whatever it is we are trying not to feel. We made it through so why should the feelings
for something we already dealt with haunt me, why do I still react or more
accurately why do I try and shut down? I am still here, the feelings are an
echo that my brain wants to keep because there is temptation to go back to what
happened and relive it. My own personal
temptation is to try and keep myself down, the comfort level that keeps me
miserable and unhappy because that's what I already know.
Of course I screwed
up that meeting, have a cookie. Of
course he's going to leave me, have ice cream. Of course the pants don't fit,
have a cake. My brain is working against
me, the old me in my brain is trying to
stay with what we think we know best.
Which has, lets be honest, been less that stellar thus far. Sure we
lived, sure we have had success but what happens if we let go of this self
destruction and actually embrace our inner light. The following is from
Marianne Willamson and it is hard to read because she is right, playing small
does not serve the world, it does not serve our soul, it does not serve each
other.
“Our deepest fear is
not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond
measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask
ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually,
who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not
serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children
do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not
just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we
unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated
from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” --Marianne Williamson
