Hard Habit to Break

The hardest thing in a breakup is the habit.  The habit of knowing B's schedule inside out and knowing at 12:25 he'd be getting off work, or at 3:30 he'd pickup his daughter at HS or that at 5pm he'd be heading to the apartment to make dinner or go for a run. Knowing someone like that inside and out puts too many reminders on a clock.  I loved this man wholly and completely and I am moving beyond that but it's the habit of him that is harder to break. 

Friends and family are making fun of me right now for my overly packed schedule. My mom has tut-tutted at being busy every single night, but that's one way to break a habit, find new things to do.  With our relationship spanning 180 miles from Omaha to Overland Park, I spent far too many evenings talking to him via Skype and would just be at home.  Now I have hours to fill and an obligation to myself to find out what I like and what I want to be.  I was in a training class today and the instructor mentioned that our creativity peaks at 5.  It makes total sense to me, that's when a majority of us start school and are forced to stand into seating charts, coloring inside the lines and following a very regimented schedule, this follows us all the way through college and into our jobs.  But there is a creative side to me screaming to get out.

I know, not shocking to anyone who reads my work. I have the blog, poetry and have started a watercolor class.  I want to create things in this world that seems so destructive.  I want to put new things out there and see what I can do to make sense of the world around me, make sense of this betrayal and breakup.  So far all I have is that I had something to learn from him and that there is something much better coming.  That's how it's always been, whatever breaks my heart is replaced by something so much greater than I could ever have imagined.  Getting laid off from CSG led to consulting and my own LLC and another Master's degree.  My divorce led to some of the deepest and most meaningful friendships and love I've ever known.  With this latest heartbreak all I can do is turn it all over to God, the Universe, Buddha, whomever you believe is in charge of these things. I can only sit back, feel the feelings and trust so much more is coming.

So habits?  Usually right now B and I would be talking on my way home, so instead I wrote and am acknowledging that I miss him, I miss our habit.  And for today, that's enough-just acknowledging what I'm really feeling and breathing.