Voices in your head

There is a big push now around meditation and I could not be more excited. I love meditation, I love finding the still soft voice in my own head and learning how to move the voice aside.  What I've found with this quiet time is that I have more of an awareness of the other running commentary in my head.

I learned to meditate after a gift from my dearest friends.  I was afraid to sign up for a writers retreat at Red Feather Lakes in CO hosted by the Shambhala Mountain Center and taught by the amazing Susan Piver (www.susanpiver.com).  Susan taught this ADD girl how to sit still for 30 minutes at a time and turn off the voices-or at least how to recognize them and let them go.  I've done the retreat twice, it's a blessing to have a week in the mountains with nothing to do but write and breathe.

I have met some amazing people with incredibly diverse backgrounds.  There is the marketing guru who takes care of her husbands business, he's an artist.  A consultant who turned into a childs book author.  A farmer who is a small town newspaper editor and an expert on lichens who lives in Alaska. Each of us took time to just breathe.  I mention all of this to talk about meditation and recognizing the voices in my head and how that can tie to writing.

Meditation requires commitment, time and patience.  Susan taught me that.  Susan has instructional guides and weekly emails on her Open Heart Project. (http://susanpiver.com/open-heart-project/).  If you are interested in meditation I highly recommend checking Susan out.  She is an amazing, committed and passionate teacher.

Once I started meditation on a regular basis, I am able to recognize the voices in my head that aren't filled with kindness.  But I found a very strange way to silence those voices. the voices that tell me I'm ugly or stupid or that I did something idiotic.  The voice that says I look insane running and that the guy in the car shouting out his window was right.  The voice that hates me and anything I'm trying to change.  When I hear that voice, I turn it into my best friend's voice. Immediately the diatribe stops, immediately it ends because Jen would never, ever speak to me like that.

If you are like me and the negative voices sometimes win, put them in a voice that's kind, put them in a voice that would never hurt you, put them in a voice who loves you, especially when you can't love you. So for me meditation works into my life as recognizing my voice and learning to trust the silence.

There are many different avenues out there for learning how to meditate, find what works for you and breathe.  This all ties to writing in a very intimate way.  Those same voices control my pen, they control the creativity that I so desperately want to flex, they control my fingers over the keys but meditation brings awareness to the moment.

I've learned so much about myself, I've learned to be still and how to quiet the voice, but bigger than that I have learned that there is a voice at all.

May you find peace in this new year, may you find quiet and may you find your true voice.

Inner Monologue

After last years Lincoln 1/2 marathon I swore I would never run that far again, ever.  And now it's January and I want a Big Audacious Goal for the year.  I keep thinking of the pressure to work out and prove myself to me by running.  I can't believe it but I'm really considering running the Omaha 1/2 this year. 

I think one of my goals this year is to learn how to love running.  Right now I tolerate it, it's a great means to an end but I don't like it.  I've asked around and with few exceptions it seems to be that  you just learn to like it.  Kellie runs with a great playlist.  Susan runs with audio books.  Brent just runs with his thoughts.  I want to like running. It's expedient, it's inexpensive, it's something you can do regardless of weather, time of day and time of year (if you have a treadmill). 

Maybe what I need to consider is how do I learn to love breathing hard and sweating?  I've never been a fan of being out of control, especially of my body.  That's what happens when you are ordinarily the fattest person in a group,  you must have control (or it's illusion) for some level of comfort.  I don't like running because my body shakes in ways I hate, I cannot control that.  I am out in public and people can see me, I cannot control that (or their reactions yelling out of a car window).  I breathe hard and get very sweaty, and I cannot control that.  And as I'm out doing this thing in public where people can see me I cannot control what I assume they are thinking of me.  Let me say that again. I cannot control what I assume they are thinking of me.

I assume that every person I pass is judging me for jiggling.  I assume that they are making snide comments for the heavy breathing. I know that they are thinking that I am pathetic for my slow, trudging gait in what I call "running".  I know that they are passing these harsh judgments on who I am, what I look like and me in general.  Wow, people suck, at least in my head they do.

What I’m working on is getting over myself.  First, no one probably notices me at all, they are very much in their own lives.  Second, if they do notice me it is in passing.  Third, if they think any of those things then why do I care? Why would I care what anyone who is so nasty would think of me or anyone else.  Finally, it is very arrogant of me to think that anyone even considers me at all, that's on me.  I know once I realized that these are the thoughts in my head when I run, I try to smile at everyone I pass.  When I'm driving and I see someone like me running I send happy thoughts and congratulations to them. 

Being public with working out is hard.  Running is hard. Getting the voices in our heads to be silent is hard.  So tomorrow I'm going to take a step. I'm packing a bag and I'm going to go work out at the gym.  I may run, I may not but either way I'll remind myself that sweat is a badge of honor.  That my heavy breathing is using the lungs that were damaged by the clot over the summer and that the courage to take care of me is all that I need.  And, the Omaha 1/2 is 9 months away.  Who knows, maybe I am brave enough to do it again?

Rear View Mirror-2014

I simultaneously love and hate this time of year.  I'm not a big fan of Christmas, too much commercialism, forced gaiety and sugar-or to use a phrase from my Grandma Gerry, it's a big "to do."

I do love New Years.  It's like a brand new notebook full of creamy empty pages or cracking the spine of a book for the first time.  It's the freshly fallen snow without a footfall breaking the surface, it's all possibility and hope.  I've always tried to take some time to look back at the successes and the learning opportunities from the year.  For 2014 it was about some job stability, some new focuses for the future and fitness. With fitness I did great until July and was sidelined. I ran several 5k's, finished the Lincoln 1/2 marathon and trained for RAGBRAI.  I learned I love cycling and there is nothing better than racing down a hill.  Sidelined with DVT and a Pulmonary Embolism my workout mojo withered on the vine.

I'm disappointed that it took so many months to start to find it again and the old me-the one I broke up with earlier this year-would look at that as a failure.  But I have a new perspective on this journey. I didn't give up, I knew what I lost and thanks to friends and a professional, I am moving forward again with a new fun fitness activity, but that's a different blog post.

In 2014 I embraced being a lifelong learner, this opens so many opportunities.  January will bring me more fitness classes, the 2nd semester getting Master's degree #2, knitting class and a class on Julia Cameron's The Artists Way.  I love looking forward, and I will continue to reframe my life and my intentions.  I'm still working on my intention statement for 2015 but it's starting as: Finish what I started with Monique on 12/29/14.

Monique and I are going down this road together to figure out the path for 2015.  Her intention statement is AWESOME!  Monique will be off High Blood Pressure medicine by 12/31/15.  To get there we have signed a contract for our plan for the year.  This includes monthly goal contracts, weekly goals and leaning on each other as we try and find a new path.

For example, my goal for this past week was: No soda and no processed foods.  I defined processed foods as any packaged food where I don't know what the ingredients are.  Start small seems to be the way we are going to be successful.

I'm excited about this blank page in this new book.  Please be gentle with yourself as you look at the possibilities for 2015.  If you need a reminder to be kind, I'm here for you!

Cheers!