"I am not a runner"

While we were "running the dots" yesterday morning my coach announced that she is not a runner.  Mind you this is the person who introduced me to running like this, run 1/10th, walk 1/10th or running the dots to prepare for the Lincoln 1/2 marathon in May.  She casually said it, like it wasn't even a thought, like I'd say I'm not purple.

Let me be crystal clear, I consider Monica my running expert, my coach.  She ran the Lincoln 1/2 last year.  She runs 5k's with her husband and daughter.  She's running the Lincoln 1/2 with me this year. She works out in the gym with a trainer specifically for her running.  But she doesn't see it, what I see in her long strides, in her confident gait or just in her sunny attitude about running.  That she is a runner.

So I pressed it with her, like I do.  What does she love about running.  She was quick to answer.  I love that at family things I'm out leading the charge. I love that I don't wear out.  I love that when I went to New York City last year I didn't get tired, I didn't have to pop ibuprofen every four hours.  I love that my daughter sees what I'm doing as normal.  I love the energy.

So, still pressing her, why aren't you a runner? This almost stopped her in her tracks.  Finally she answered, because I don't look like a runner.

Ok why does that matter?  We talked a lot in our 6 miles.  We talked about body image and what it's like to run and not be a gazelle, to weigh more than 140 lbs, to have more than 11% body fat.  We talked about what it is like when too much moves or what it's like when your stomach sticks out further than your breasts, we talked about bulges and dimples.  We talked about what it's like to run and try and leave that all behind.

I loved how honest we were with each other.  There's something about the early morning on the trails in the sun where we could let some of the "shoulds" go and just move. I wish for more days like this for everyone of you, more honesty, more moving and more letting go of the things we allow to diminish us.

Hate at 35 MPH

Spring is springing in Omaha, today was 70 and after a quick morning workout and lunch I thought I'd take my ponytail swing outside and see what it's like to run outside instead of that hated treadmill. It's wickedly windy but a beautiful day. The sun is shining, I have my favorite running jacket on, my new kicks and P!nk blaring in one ear (safety first) of course.

I round the back of the lake at Heartland of America at my slow pace and head towards the former Rick's Boatyard.  I've finished my 10 minute guided run and 5 minute walk and I slowly start to run again, crossing the street and finding a sidewalk to head back to the city when I hear it, the Camaro slows and I hear "Fat Ass" and "Breaking concrete" before he guns the gas and passes me, turning left on 9th street.  And there it is again.  I've heard it before shouted from car windows.  

The first time was when I was 15 and walking home from work, then I was also a "Fat Ass."  I went home, cried myself to sleep with whatever snack foods I had in front of me.  In college, my boyfriend and I were just taking a walk on campus and we heard "Lose some weight" shouted from a window again the car sped away.  And now today.  I'm sad now and probably will be for a few days.  Honestly angry too-wondering how small their penises are and what would drive someone to do that to a stranger.  

So I thought about small penis Camaro driver the whole way back, and I ran much farther than I had planned to, my own version of the finger I suppose.  I hate how it makes me feel, like I am less than by being too much.  Once again I feel like I should apologize for my existence.  But it feels different this time, feels like I'm not the one to apologize.   It occurred to me that Camaro was out driving, and I was out, pony tail swinging and moving.  I was investing in being 80 by taking care of me and making myself feel better without hurting anyone else, and without hurting me in the process.  

So what good can come from this?  I will challenge each of you, when you see anyone out trudging along by the side of the road or on a treadmill at the gym or anywhere working on moving, send them love.  For me, send them good will and good wishes that they keep on moving.  You never know, it could be me you are wishing well.