Natural Inclinations in the Muck

I've sat in the muck for a long while now, well 5 months seems like a very long time. Earlier this summer I described depression as wandering in the fog up to my knees in something. I'm now calling that something the muck.  I did get tired of wandering, I sat down in it.  UGH!  Feeling feelings, whether real or due to chemical imbalances sucks.  It's been so odd to be so open with all that I'm feeling, how hideous things were, how hard it was to sit still and trust-trust my doctors, my own research, my history and trusting that putting one foot in front of the other will  eventually bear fruit.

My natural inclination is to bolt, to just cut and run.  At least with cutting and running there is some kind of momentum, back or forwards doesn't matter, it's movement.  For your consideration, how to bolt, by Michelle. Diet not immediately working and you didn't lose 40 lbs in a week? Quit and go back to what you've always done.  Working out not getting easier then just stop because your time is better spent elsewhere and you will find more constructive things to do (cough, Candy Crush, cough).  Relationship not going exactly as you want it to, then bail out, he doesn't deserve you and being alone is much better.

I know that I'm a control freak (situationally specific) but I'm also a quitter. The second things get hard, I quit, I don't like being uncomfortable so I do all I can to minimize all the things that aren't immediately going my way. That being said I'm also stubborn, I have a picture in my head of what it is supposed to be and anything other than that and I can make myself a little crazy. I like things how I like them and while I can roll with some punches, sometimes it comes back and bites me in the keester. Or more likely it throws off my entire world, so bolt, so just run away.

But desperate times call for desperate measures, sometimes you can't just bolt because, as I have seen in the last 5 months, everything feels wrong, every kind of escape route doesn't fit. So what's a girl to do? You pull the bag chair out of the car and you setup camp in muck. you stop wandering in the fog and you sit there in the stupid feelings and you wait.  You cry and you wait. You sleep and you wait.  You work out and wait.  You give up sugar and you wait.  You try everything except running away and you wait.  You throw the muck and scream and you wait.  Maybe you make a muck angel and wait.  You let people visit you in muck and you wait until...Until one day the sun seems to shine a little brighter and dries some of the muck and you can pull the chair a couple inches out of the muck, and the next day you sit a couple inches higher, and this goes on until the legs of the chair don't sink at all. The sun shines bright, burning off the remaining wisps of fog hiding out in the trees and bushes and you look around, squinting slightly at the brightness shining back.  And this time feels different, there is nothing to regret with running, there are no apologies to make, nothing to try and forget, just sunshine and hope.  

More Straws

Wandering in the fog has been a lonely but informative journey.  It's funny, loneliness is actually a great comfort at times, it shows me that I want more, I want people in my life and by acknowledging the times when I feel most broken I am closest who I am.  I have leaned on people more in the past six months than I ever have before.  It may not seem like it, especially to some newer friends, but this is the most open I've ever been about the depression.

As the fog is clearing, I'm finding firmer ground to keep moving forward and I can look back with gratitude on some new coping skills.  First and most important I am learning to trust me.  By honoring what I'm truly feeling, I have been able to push for medicine changes that I may not have been so forceful with in the past.  While the process is painful and very drawn out, I know that I can get through it.  

The internet can be your friend if you look carefully.  I found out that sometimes sugar does enhance depression symptoms so I've been mostly off sugar for months.  That doesn't mean I won't have birthday cake or something fun but mostly I have stuck to real foods so there isn't the food guilt I have to deal with.  And going down rabbit holes can be beneficial too. I found several articles on the connection between a lack of Omega 3's and depression. From what I understand it has to do with the way that the cells, starved of Omega 3 fatty acids, don't have the reparative abilities in the brain that they need. As Omega 3's are needed elsewhere I have added those into my daily handful of pills too.  

I have reconnected with my creative life. I found my inner artist. She is a poet and a painter.  I've connected to a writing group and a creativity cluster.  Both of these are showing me once again I don't  have to be one thing, I can be anything I want to be.  This reconnection has lead me to submit poetry to a literary journal in hopes I get published. This time has allowed me to play with watercolors and spend a little time building something and as a bonus my brain turns off just a bit.  

I am blessed to be surrounded by the loving people in my life. I am honored that I can share my journey and, based on the private messages I've gotten, I am humbled to know that what I've shared has helped people. Bravery isn't a lack of fear, bravery is acting despite the fear.  It's reaching out for help when you cannot see a way out. Bravery is asking for help when you need it most. 

I'm still not 100% me right now, I'd say 93% but am feeling so much better. I appreciate everyone's support and am looking so forward to going back to complaining about working out.  

Grasping at Straws

Sometimes that's all we have, grasping at straws and hoping for the best.   This depression journey I've been on lately has, frankly, kicked my ass.  I cannot tap out, I cannot wave a white flag, I cannot resign.  All I can do is keep moving forward one freaking baby step at a time.  A few weeks ago I wrote that the fog is starting to lift, that I'm starting to see burn holes in the dense deep darkness and that is true. I am not seeing them as fast as I want to, but they are there and getting bigger.  That goes to an important point, it's not about what I want here. While I love the illusion of control that I grip until my fingers shake, I know it's an illusion.  Whatever your spiritual leanings are, there is someone up there who wants me to learn from this-or teach from it.  So fine, freaking tiny, wobbly baby steps it is. 

It's funny the different rabbit holes I go down when I'm grasping for straws.  Here is the rabbit hole about grasping for straws.  According to the Word Detective, the phrase grabbing or grasping for straws dates back to the late 1700s in a proverb from Samuel Richardson. "A drowning man will grab at a straw" the straw being the reeds at the side of a river in a desperate attempt to save yourself.  I've been laughingly describing to Elizabeth that I'm not grasping at straws but that she is a straw.  But now that I see the original meaning it's not so funny, I am grasping at everything to stop me from drowning in depression.

I heard about Elizabeth from my friend Jen.  She is an intuitive healer. If you listen to Sweet 98 (sorry, I know it's been like 15 years, but it'll always be Sweet 98) she and her brother Psychic Andy are on occasionally. Anyway Jen said a friend of hers had an amazing session with Elizabeth so I thought I'd try it.  It's hard to explain what Elizabeth does.  She is an intuitive healer.  Please check out her website, even though my words cannot do justice to what she does, she is wonderful.  http://www.healingsbyelizabeth.com 

In my first session with Elizabeth she was able to pinpoint some things for me that were shocking.  She knew things that there is no way someone could just know.  Both times we talked for about 20 minutes, then she gets to work.  She has me lay down on what seems to be a twin sized bed and relax.  My only job is to breathe deeply and she does her work.  After about 15 minutes she wakes me up (yes I fell asleep) and talks about the energy blocks she's cleared and what she will do next.  After the next 15 minutes she again describes what she does and I leave, with a bounce in my step. 

She has a wonderful voice and describes white energy and gold energy and wrapping me up in positivity and healing energy to go and face the week.  I do not understand how she works, what I do know is that things are different for me.  Something in this journey has changed me. She said she's clearing out old negativity and old trauma and replacing it with white energy. Somewhere in this process I have found the courage to move forward more creatively.  I have been writing again, not just blogging but getting back into poetry. I have started painting. I have been more assertive with my feelings and when I am hurt I have been better able to vocalize it rather than choke it down.  All of these things are terrifying but they feel right for me, they feel healing.

There are a few other straws I've been grasping at, but sharing my journey with Elizabeth is enough for today. What are you doing to take care of yourself? What inner voice have you avoided or ignored that is crying out for its own voice?  There is no such thing as silly or dumb when the life you are trying to save is your own.