Runner Girl

I'm starting to embrace some titles in my life: professional, student and my new favorite, elite athlete. That was said by the pulmonary doctor when he released me back to the wild.  He referred to me twice as an elite athlete and I just smiled and agreed.

It was nice to get back in the swing of things, to get out and start running again with Monica.  It's funny how quickly you can "lose it" and how hard it seems.  Our first night out we did 2.4 miles and for the first time I was sore after running. Not bad sore but wow, I haven't used these muscles for a while sore. The second night we went we did 2.8 miles. And tonight we had a first. I left a going away party early to run. Monica wasn't feeling well but I kept a date I made with myself.

So when I got home the temptation not to run was great, it was hot and humid out. I'd had a rough day and am exhausted and Monica isn't running.  I was telling myself all of this while I was re-downloading the 10k runner and changing my clothes.  While I was putting my hair in a braid I was telling myself stories about how I should go grab dinner downstairs and not worry about eating the healthy foods I'd prepared on Sunday.  Finally while I was walking out the door and putting my ear buds in I was telling myself that I could do it and that I'm an elite athlete and elite athletes need to go run in the heat.  So I did that instead.

There are times I'm afraid of this journey I'm on. This is all uncharted territory for me.  My family isn't athletic we are, to quote Jim Gaffigan, "indoorsy."  I've never had a burning desire to compete but somehow that fire is lit inside me.  I want to see how far I can go and how fast. At the turn around point in my run I took a mental note of where I turned because next time farther and faster.

Farther
Faster

Robin Williams and Depression

I can't ever say I know what he went through, I can't ever imagine the dark corners in his mind and heart, I can say that I understand sometimes, in the dark of night how suicide seems like the only logical answer, the only way out of the pain.  There is no tomorrow, no hope, no sun only pain.  This isn't the blues, this isn't a bad day, this is a debilitating devastating illness that makes even getting out of bed too much to bear. The balance in your checking account doesn't matter, having someone to love you doesn't matter, nothing matters but the pain. 

I've seen, thank god, nothing but sadness and shock over Robin Williams passing, and I'm there with the millions who mourn this amazing artist.  But what about the 7th grader who is bullied until he sees no other way out? Or the chubby 10th grade girl who is called names over and over until she finds a final escape?  What about the thirty something man who cannot battle his demons anymore?  

I was lucky when I found myself down at the bottom of that hole. As dark as it got, as hurt as I was, as tired of being alive as I was I couldn't do that to my friends and family.  Sometimes, at 2am that's all you have to hold on to.  Until you can find the strength to completely expose your weakness and beg for help. I was lucky, I had people around me who heard me, who were there to help me back to the light.

If you are in pain, if you feel alone, if you are trapped in that hole you are not alone. There are wonderful professionals who are waiting to lean in with a light and help you find sunshine again.  Tell the people you love, be strong enough to ask for help. 

Some resources to consider.

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

http://www.afsp.org/

http://www.thetrevorproject.org/pages/suicide-prevention-resources

PE and DVT

So it's been exactly 3 weeks since my adventures in the hospital. I refused and still do to do more than dip a toe into how serious this was, even an overnight stay in the hospital isn't something I'm willing to dwell on too much.  The nurse at the pulmonoligst's office felt the need to stress to me how often people die from a pulmonary embolism. I have gotten a glimpse of the future, of the woman I'm terrified to be. The woman at the grocery store in the gopher, the woman looking years older than she is, the one who cannot even walk from her car to the store.  This was a gift to me and I can't look at it as anything other than that.

I've learned about me too, that I can ask for help, that I can accept help even when it makes me crazy not to do for myself.  I can embrace the people in my life who hover and worry even though I refuse to acknowledge it.

My path to a healthy, vibrant, happy, strong 90 year old woman starts now, started last year when I trained for the 1/2 marathon, started 5 years ago when I got mixed up with Dr Jen Huberty and www.befitminded.com.  But working out is only one part of my path to 90.

Another part? I am going after Masters Degree #2 this fall at Creighton.  My Grama Gerry always said, of education, "They can't take it away from you." I'm not sure who "they" are, but I always took that very much to heart, education and learning is so important.  I intend, for the rest of my life, to stay curious and to go down those rabbit holes of learning for learnings sake.

Finally I'm going to get back into meditation.  There is no greater gift than this moment we have now.  No greater promise to the future than to breathe the current moment in and out with deliberation.  There is healing in silence, there is healing in breath, there is healing in each of us.

I'm working on my Plan for the future, I can see exactly what I want and although the path may change and shift as time goes on, I know who I want to see when I get there.  My clear brown eyes, smiling face, huge laugh and dancing my way through the days and nights.  What are you doing?

Oh, and in my head, the clot in my lung is a star, guiding me forward and lighting the path ahead, and I still refuse to think about how serious it was.