Conceding

There are things each of us do very well in our lives, we manage people, families, projects. We excel at crafts or cooking or driving or organizing peoples lives. We are second to none when it comes to being a healer or fixing cars or making things.  I know that I am a good cook, I am very good at taking care of the people I love. I enjoy working and building teams. I'm pretty good with words and I've loved reconnecting with my inner poet. I love very easily, I laugh very hard and I fail spectacularly.  I work very hard to keep my heart open even when it's been broken.  I am fiercely competitive and I do tell a good story and I love making people laugh.  However, I am horrible when it comes asking anyone for help. 

This weekend I was really sick with a migraine and I contemplated asking someone to take me to urgent care at about 11 in the morning, but stupidly I talked myself out of being that sick until 4pm when I was totally dehydrated and shaky.  Stupidly I waited because I didn't want to be a bother.  And it was stupid, I stayed in pain for 5 hours I didn't need to because of my dumb pride. I met with an executive coach a couple years ago and after a sucker punch from her you'd think I'd be better at asking. I was specifically meeting with her to get help with asking people to help me.  She asked me some questions about helping, why did I enjoy helping people.  And it's easy to answer, I like to be helpful, I like to make people's lives a bit easier. I like to help.  She looked at me straight in the eye and asked why then, if I got so much joy out of helping other people why would I be a martyr and never ask for help?

I sat in stunned silence for more than a minute. I had no defense. It was a fair question and led to more. Do I think I am the only person capable of helping anyone? If I love my family and friends as much as I do and if I'd drop everything to help them no matter what, then why wouldn’t I allow someone to do that for me? Why would I deny the people I love the opportunity to feel like I do when I can be useful to someone I love? So despite my waiting on Saturday to call I am getting better at asking for help.  I'm not great at it, I don't know that I'll ever be able to ask for help quickly.  My fear is that I'd become one of those  people who suck the life out of their friends and are incapable of doing anything on their own. 

I know, I'm a person of extremes.  Not being able to ask my best friend to drive me to urgent care somehow translates to asking everyone around me to do everything for me and losing all my friends.  So I'm conceding, I suck at asking for help and will work on that. I will work on the idea that asking for help won't make me like those soul sucking people who can do nothing for themselves.  So there it is, my Achilles heel or my kryptonite is asking for help, I'll work on it.  What's yours? What is the one thing you can't seem to do that's easier for everyone else?

Countdown to October

I have a wonderful, dear, sweet, beautiful friend who's floored me this week by asking me to be her maid of honor. I'm thrilled and excited and so happy to be involved in helping her with the wedding.  The only daunting thing is the freaking dress.  I don't know the other bridesmaids yet but in my head they are Gisele, Naomi, Claudia and Elle (check your super model knowledge people).  I'm much more in the Melissa McCarthy, Rikki Lake or the fat one from Wilson Phillips genre.  It's daunting and terrifying so I did what any sane and rational person would do this week when she asked me, I immediately made a countdown calendar and started keeping track of the days that I was working out. For the record, as of today there are 251 days to the wedding. Something about this wedding, this time in my life, that I'm taking very seriously-I'm hoping that the forward momentum I have will carry me through.

So far I've worked out 4 days in a row and with the help of a great trainer I’m staying focused.  My trainer, Laura, is inspirational, funny, sweet and so kind.  But she's Canadian and so when I swear at her I feel pretty guilty at how nice she is back at me.  However that doesn't stop me from flipping her off at every chance.  I also had another friend text me about trying a retro aerobics class this morning. I have to tell you that it was a total riot.  Doing the grapevine, the box step, all kinds of moves I remember from the early 90's.  And just like back then I got confused and had to stop and laugh! 

At Laura's request I got on the scale today for the first time in over a year and I was not pleased with the number, but it's just a number-that was the mantra today, just a number.  It's a good way to measure progress I suppose although the thought of getting on a scale again weekly bothers me. We are so ruled by those stupid little numbers.  In my head and heart I keep telling myself that it's only one way to measure progress. I keep saying that muscle weighs more than fat, that the fact that my pants size hasn't changed in two years and frankly are fitting better these days, and ultimately it doesn't make any difference if I weigh 450lbs or 120lbs, I'm still just me. I'm reminded of a meme I saw on Facebook a few years back. 

This is the vital part of the message, who I am has nothing to do with what I look like. I was reminded of that today by my sweet brother Bob. I mentioned some of my concerns to him about the maid of honor thing and he was lightning fast to remind me that no matter what I am beloved. I want to share this message with all, it is only a number, it isn't your self worth and your value of as a person. How and why you are valued as a person is entirely personal to you and who you are.  The idea of someone's value is completely subjective. My friends and family have untold value because they matter to me, but plenty of people don't care at all about the same people-that is only because they don't know them at all.  But that's how value works, what and how do I value things, especially myself.  What an interesting journey we are going to take.

I'm currently reading The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown, PhD, LMSW and I have two ideas for blogs coming up, I highly recommend taking a look, it's a great and thought provoking book.  Book club anyone?

Transitions and goals

With starting something new I tend to spend time trying to find some way to make some other changes in my life.  When I started at MFS Intelenet a million years ago I decided to stop being afraid to speak in front of groups and I decided to be more of who my family knew me as; sarcastic, funny and a storyteller.  That decision changed the course of my whole life. I met some people I still keep in touch with today, I found a long time friend who I lived with for years and I eventually ended up changing careers into training and development.

I've spent today getting things cleaned up in the house and getting ready for the week and thinking about making more changes. I am finally getting over being sick so it's time to hit the gym again. Maybe I embrace what the pulmonologist said and act like an athlete. I cooked heathy foods today that were heavy on the veggies, I packed a gym bag to potentially try out a new gym this week to add to my other gym. I want to be able to take classes if the mood strikes, that and one of my favorite people to work out with belongs not far from where I work.

I've not always set goals with working out, but I get to be in a wedding this fall and I will not be the fat girl AGAIN. I'm done with that. I don't mind being curvy, but I'm done not being able to shop where I want to whenever I want to. But mostly I'm intimidated by the thought of being a bridesmaid at my advanced age, at wearing a matching dress with tall gorgeous thin women makes me ill.  So now I have a goal, I have a picture in my head of what I want to look like this fall.  I learned a long time ago that the scale is a number and an inaccurate number of what you are actually made of.  In college I was weighed underwater which shows what you'd weigh at zero body fat.  According to that I'm still overweight, at ZERO body fat.  We have all heard the stories of the wrestlers or gymnasts who are considered obese because their body fat is so low and they are so much muscle.

I'm lucky that at 18 I learned that I am not a number on a scale, now mind you it took until about 2 years ago for me to throw a scale away, but it's all progress.  I plan to to measure my success by how I feel and how my clothes fit, by being able to increase weights at the gym and by eventually running faster.  I want to measure how I'm doing by my standards, not by a scale.  On that note I challenge all of you to taking a stand at the doctors office. I decided a year ago that I was not going to get on their scale again unless it's pertinent to why I'm there. I'm sorry medical professionals but there is nothing weight related in an ear infection or a migraine.  It's freeing to say no and refuse to get on that scale.  Give it a try!

Saying I love you...

Love is complicated.  Love is a commitment. Love is something that we can really only get when we are willing to give it away.  I've realized in the past year that the more I love, the more I give of myself, the more I get back in return. It's scary to love, to put yourself out there, not just in a romantic way but to love friends and family and potentially get hurt.  More than potentially hurt, you will get hurt. Even the people I love the most in the world have hurt me and I've hurt them. It's part of living. It's part of being human, we disappoint people but if we love enough we grow from that.

When B and I broke up, I remembered one of the things I was most worried about was closing my heart and trying to protect myself.  I did that after the divorce, I shut completely down and tried to protect my heart. All that happened is that when I surfaced a year later I had gained 40lbs, made some horrible (and really fun) mistakes romantically and was very alone.  I had to learn how to fight back to the surface, I had to learn how to trust  again, I had to learn how to be me. It's never easy to honor who you are, it's a terrifying journey. I've lost friends, family, jobs, hobbies, opportunities, all kinds of things I loved. Let me rephrase that.  All kinds of things I loved but decided to let go because they weren't right for me.

I've learned in the last 6 months that Jesus did have it right, turn the other cheek.  In my heart that means keep loving and stay open to people, even the ones that hurt you, especially the ones that hurt you, beg your heart to stay open.  Remaining open is the best way to honor who you are and who you want to be.  I've learned so much in the past year and what I am clinging to is how easy it is to love. By loving freely and completely I am  honoring who I am and who I can be. 

Again, love is complicated. Love is commitment.  Love is something that we can really only get when we are willing to give it away.  One of the things I've been awestruck by lately is how easily I can tell people I love them.  Love comes easily in my 40's and is even easier to give it away.  I have several friends whom not only do we hug and kiss when we part, but it’s a very easy I love you as we are leaving.  It's hugging my brothers and my sister whenever I can and telling them I love them. It's hugging and kissing nieces and nephews and making sure that they know I love them too.  It's not hanging up with my mom unless I say I love you.  It's praying and sending love to the people who aren't in my life and wishing nothing but love and peace for them. (I'm not there yet with B, but someday-I'm not that generous of heart with him yet.) I don't know why we are so afraid to love people and tell them. 

Jen and I have been friends since 1989. We were roommates freshman year of college, I've loved this girl since I was 18 years old. We have been through marriages, my divorce, miscarriages, babies, love and loss.  She is closer to me than any person on the planet. We are thoroughly entrenched in each others lives. Her husband of 20 years describes me as his second wife, I'm a God mother to one of her sons and to both I'm Aunt Lollie (wally or yayeee actually).  Both her mother and mother in law consider me a daughter, part of both families. Something happened when we turned 40, we do not leave each other without a hug and a kiss and an I love you.  I called Jen to make sure that she was ok with her name in my blog and she laughed, of course it is.  We talked about how in our 20's we are invincible and rely on the unsaid.  That we never think anything will happen, that people know so why should we say it. Or the other side, that we'd be too embarrassed to not hear it back. I'm glad those days are behind me. I'm glad that my heart is so full of people I love and who love me back. I'm grateful that I can tell the people I love just how I feel about them without fear.

If love is this good in my live today, I cannot imagine how much sweeter this will be in 10 years or 20 years.  What I do know for sure is that there is no force on earth that will make me stop loving the way I do, with no expectation of anything back but maybe a hug.

Happy New Year!

I love that 2015 is over. I didn't have the most amazingly wonderful year in the world. I had a major depressive episode and took about 4 months to get my anti-depressants worked out and as soon as that was all balanced the man I love dumped me for a woman who spells her name like she's 14. We had been together off and on for years. He had been a major part of my history and I thought was my whole future but I was mistaken and was played for a fool.  So all in all not the best year from this close of a vantage point.  And I accept that, I made choices along the way that led to this conclusion and I own those.  But I already know how much I will have learned when I get some more distance on this year.  And that's all I wanted for the holidays was to get through to January 1 and get to a new year.  I know that once I get distance from 2015 I'm sure it will be a watershed year in my life, the year that triggered changes and so much growth (right now f*$k that though).  But time is kind and softens all the edges. 

I have been thinking a lot the past few days about what I want to do in 2016 and my friend Keith posted an idea I can't stop thinking about (https://theferriswheelblog.wordpress.com), it's about finding a theme for the year instead of specific resolutions, stopping the craziness of making and failing at the same promises over and over. Time magazine lists the top resolutions as: Losing weight, quitting smoking, learn something new, save money and get out of debt.  All the usual suspects are represented.  For example last year I was going to work out more, get healthy and B and I were going to figure out if he was moving to Omaha or I was moving to KC.  None of that really panned out for me.  But what if I change the intention, what if I look at how I want to feel at the end of 2016. Quoting Keith who quoted Trey Hill: To say it another way, theme is the guiding idea that strings together all the choices — success & failure — a character makes and gives them singular, overarching purpose.

A theme is the idea that strings together all the choices.  So looking back at 2015 my theme was so easily hope.  Hope is the one thing that kept me moving forward and kept me going every day. Hope that whatever I was doing would work out, hope that I could figure it out, hope that my relationship would work and when that didn't pan out, and then hope that I could still keep my heart open as I got over him. I'm still working on that, staying open and hoping for real love whenever the universe deems me ready. 

So I keep thinking about 2016 and what I want to see at the end of this year, what do I want my overall theme to be? Mike Dooley (www.tut.com) offered some suggestions too: Adventure, New Experience, Change, Friendship, Love, Giving Back, Creativity and Health.  The one word that keeps resonating in my mind is Peace.  I struggle to put words to what I feel about peace. Is it decluttering? Is it financial security? Is it a long term relationship? Is it letting go of the past? I found a quote from Marcus Aurelius "He who lives in harmony with himself lives in harmony with the world." I think that's as close to what I want to feel as I can get, living in harmony with myself.  This translates into honoring myself with who I know I want to be.  I want to work out hard and honor my body. I want to eat things I can recognize and aren't made up of chemicals. I want to keep writing and sending things out in hopes of being published. I want to participate more in the writing community in Omaha and do readings.  I want to meditate and practice stillness.  I want to honor myself and my time by not participating with people who don't help me in my journey.  

So have you set resolutions? Are you looking at themes? Who do you want to be at the end of 2016?