Perfection

I am fully aware that life is about progress, not perfection.  But the control freak perfectionist inside of me really wants to pick up a paintbrush and become instantly an expert.  Is that too much to ask?  I want to pick up a pen and immediately become the Poet Laureate, I want to touch a keyboard and write the great American novel.  The idea I have for a screenplay should immediately win me an Oscar. I honestly don't think that's asking too much.  

Historically, I have let that pressure stop me from choosing to participate in so many things that it's embarrassing.  I have avoided fun runs, dancing with friends, taking trips, talking to the cute guy on the motorcycle, these are the few that come to mind immediately anyway.  Since the breakup though I have decided no more of that, no more of quitting before I start. If I really want to try something I’m going to try it. If I want to go somewhere I'm going.  More importantly I'm ok doing these things alone.  I signed up for a few art classes and am going alone. I have a trip to Vegas at the end of the month and I am taking my travel day there alone there instead of pressuring someone (cough, Mike) to come with me. I have learned that while I thought I was more when I was part of a couple with B, I am a whole person just by myself and my whole person wants to do things.

I spent some time this afternoon playing with color washes and sponges and experimenting with water and how it impacts the color, trying to see how it all works.  I am so sad to report I am still not an expert however I did lose 2 hours in the process. I was able to shut my brain off and meditate a bit lost in aquamarine, magenta and forest.  I love the times that my brain turns off, the times when I just get lost and for me the only times that happens is when I'm writing or doing my new hobby, painting.  I think time when we can try things and fail are so important in realizing there is more this life than just work, there is more than socializing. 

What I've been learning the past few weeks is that I really do like who I am, I like who I'll become.  I'm not afraid to try new things, I'm not afraid to fail (my perfectionist is screaming), I'm not afraid of changing my mind.  All of these things lead to such adventure.