I remember a few
years ago telling my therapist that my goal in life was to believe the public
relations that I put out about myself, that I am confident, witty, and self
assured. Believe that fine line that I deserve
all the good things that happened to me and that they happened by some accident
or divine intervention and not because I'm smart and work hard. I think we all
do that, put out one persona for the public and one for when we are at home,
alone, covered in Oreo crumbs drinking red wind right out of the bottle and
arguing with Netflix about my viewing habits.
Well, maybe that second part is just me.
I have done some of
the work, I've done some of the reading.
I say some because I learn more and more every day. I am constantly looking for how I can become
this person I put out in my Public Relations releases, I want to always challenge myself. I hope that I'm never satisfied with who I
am, I hope that I am constantly challenging myself to be different, to be
more.
My challenge now is
to take big steps to moving forward with what I want my life to look like.
Tonight we ripped the bandaid off from the breakup, I went on my first, first
date in forever. He is a very nice man.
We had great conversation and we made plans to go out again next weekend if we
can. It was, all in all, a good
night. I don't know if this will turn
into something, but it was good to just go out and be sparkly for a bit, to
flirt and laugh with a stranger. If
nothing else I’m really proud I’m out there again, closing a door on one
relationship and then blowing up the bridge that leads to that house!
I have had so much
help in this journey. All of the people
who love me of course, thank you so much. There is no one more loved on this
earth than I am, and I'll leg wrestle anyone who challenges me on that! But I've done some things too and I am going
to own my part in this. I've been working out and trying to eat right (except
for the aforementioned Oreo/Red Wine combo).
I've been writing a ton. Poetry is catharsis for me, so is blogging. I
have always said if I can help just one person then whatever I've dealt with is
worth it. I've seen a psychic, an intuitive healer, a Reiki master, and I've
prayed. I've prayed a lot. And not for anything specific, it's more
about looking for peace from whomever has hurt me. I pray for their love, peace
and joy. I don't pray that I can forgive them, I pray like I have already
forgiven them. And I pray for me, that I can find my own peace, love and joy in
divine right, divine time.
And something must
be working. I was at lunch with a dear friend last week and she said something
that nearly had me tearing up. We were talking about the hard things we are
dealing with in just being an adult and how we are making such huge changes
with our little tribe of women. She looked at me and said I want to be where
you are, I want to be as strong as you
are and as confident. And there it was,
a crossroads. On one side I could
dismiss what she said, play it off and deny that I've changed, deny that I
could possibly be an inspiration for someone. Or….or I could smile with my
whole heart, acknowledge I've worked really hard to get where I am and thank
this lovely woman for noticing and being brave enough to tell me that I inspire
her.
I thanked her,
anything else would be insincere. And so
I believed the PR.
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