A room of love and pizza

Relationships are complex and messy and wonderful and ugly. People bring out the best and the worst of you. How you react speaks volumes about where you are in life.

I've been struggling to put this into words and I can't without getting overly personal and I can't do that.  It's about healing and choosing not to engage in something that is outside of my control.  This is shocking to admit as a total control freak, but sometimes walking away from a situation is the only thing you can do to protect the people you really love.

Historically I've bent over backwards and sold out pieces of my soul to make people happy, to make sure that there is no conflict and part of me dies every time I've done that.  So when does preserving toxic relationships win out over self preservation? Apparently it wins out until the cost is too great to bear. What happens is that the dynamic in relationships changes and if you don't warn people then they don't know what to do. 

I've lost people because of this, but I will not lose who I am anymore.  This is terrifying.  I don’t know what will happen, I don't know how some situations will resolve themselves and fully standing up and refusing to be treated less than I treat people is hard for a people pleaser.  I hope that it will be worth it. I hope that I can inspire other people to place value on themselves and realize that you do not have to tolerate being treated less than. You do not have to tolerate being used or letting someone trash you. You can walk away. You can ignore it and as my mother taught me, take the high road.

In all of the situations I've encountered lately I have to ask myself if I have to apologize for the way I reacted, and I try to make sure that what I've done makes me feel ok with myself. The apology includes one to me.  I think that's where people tend to miscalculate, they don’t look at how these things impact the person in the mirror. 

The good news is that healing is possible and while walking away is hard, there is still mourning and things to address.  I have wonderful people in my life who I can talk to and who will help with whatever I need.  There is nothing that heals more than being with people who truly love you.  I've been lucky enough to be able to have a sister to lean on and we had a room of love and pizza and each other.