Natural Inclinations in the Muck

I've sat in the muck for a long while now, well 5 months seems like a very long time. Earlier this summer I described depression as wandering in the fog up to my knees in something. I'm now calling that something the muck.  I did get tired of wandering, I sat down in it.  UGH!  Feeling feelings, whether real or due to chemical imbalances sucks.  It's been so odd to be so open with all that I'm feeling, how hideous things were, how hard it was to sit still and trust-trust my doctors, my own research, my history and trusting that putting one foot in front of the other will  eventually bear fruit.

My natural inclination is to bolt, to just cut and run.  At least with cutting and running there is some kind of momentum, back or forwards doesn't matter, it's movement.  For your consideration, how to bolt, by Michelle. Diet not immediately working and you didn't lose 40 lbs in a week? Quit and go back to what you've always done.  Working out not getting easier then just stop because your time is better spent elsewhere and you will find more constructive things to do (cough, Candy Crush, cough).  Relationship not going exactly as you want it to, then bail out, he doesn't deserve you and being alone is much better.

I know that I'm a control freak (situationally specific) but I'm also a quitter. The second things get hard, I quit, I don't like being uncomfortable so I do all I can to minimize all the things that aren't immediately going my way. That being said I'm also stubborn, I have a picture in my head of what it is supposed to be and anything other than that and I can make myself a little crazy. I like things how I like them and while I can roll with some punches, sometimes it comes back and bites me in the keester. Or more likely it throws off my entire world, so bolt, so just run away.

But desperate times call for desperate measures, sometimes you can't just bolt because, as I have seen in the last 5 months, everything feels wrong, every kind of escape route doesn't fit. So what's a girl to do? You pull the bag chair out of the car and you setup camp in muck. you stop wandering in the fog and you sit there in the stupid feelings and you wait.  You cry and you wait. You sleep and you wait.  You work out and wait.  You give up sugar and you wait.  You try everything except running away and you wait.  You throw the muck and scream and you wait.  Maybe you make a muck angel and wait.  You let people visit you in muck and you wait until...Until one day the sun seems to shine a little brighter and dries some of the muck and you can pull the chair a couple inches out of the muck, and the next day you sit a couple inches higher, and this goes on until the legs of the chair don't sink at all. The sun shines bright, burning off the remaining wisps of fog hiding out in the trees and bushes and you look around, squinting slightly at the brightness shining back.  And this time feels different, there is nothing to regret with running, there are no apologies to make, nothing to try and forget, just sunshine and hope.