Grasping at Straws

Sometimes that's all we have, grasping at straws and hoping for the best.   This depression journey I've been on lately has, frankly, kicked my ass.  I cannot tap out, I cannot wave a white flag, I cannot resign.  All I can do is keep moving forward one freaking baby step at a time.  A few weeks ago I wrote that the fog is starting to lift, that I'm starting to see burn holes in the dense deep darkness and that is true. I am not seeing them as fast as I want to, but they are there and getting bigger.  That goes to an important point, it's not about what I want here. While I love the illusion of control that I grip until my fingers shake, I know it's an illusion.  Whatever your spiritual leanings are, there is someone up there who wants me to learn from this-or teach from it.  So fine, freaking tiny, wobbly baby steps it is. 

It's funny the different rabbit holes I go down when I'm grasping for straws.  Here is the rabbit hole about grasping for straws.  According to the Word Detective, the phrase grabbing or grasping for straws dates back to the late 1700s in a proverb from Samuel Richardson. "A drowning man will grab at a straw" the straw being the reeds at the side of a river in a desperate attempt to save yourself.  I've been laughingly describing to Elizabeth that I'm not grasping at straws but that she is a straw.  But now that I see the original meaning it's not so funny, I am grasping at everything to stop me from drowning in depression.

I heard about Elizabeth from my friend Jen.  She is an intuitive healer. If you listen to Sweet 98 (sorry, I know it's been like 15 years, but it'll always be Sweet 98) she and her brother Psychic Andy are on occasionally. Anyway Jen said a friend of hers had an amazing session with Elizabeth so I thought I'd try it.  It's hard to explain what Elizabeth does.  She is an intuitive healer.  Please check out her website, even though my words cannot do justice to what she does, she is wonderful.  http://www.healingsbyelizabeth.com 

In my first session with Elizabeth she was able to pinpoint some things for me that were shocking.  She knew things that there is no way someone could just know.  Both times we talked for about 20 minutes, then she gets to work.  She has me lay down on what seems to be a twin sized bed and relax.  My only job is to breathe deeply and she does her work.  After about 15 minutes she wakes me up (yes I fell asleep) and talks about the energy blocks she's cleared and what she will do next.  After the next 15 minutes she again describes what she does and I leave, with a bounce in my step. 

She has a wonderful voice and describes white energy and gold energy and wrapping me up in positivity and healing energy to go and face the week.  I do not understand how she works, what I do know is that things are different for me.  Something in this journey has changed me. She said she's clearing out old negativity and old trauma and replacing it with white energy. Somewhere in this process I have found the courage to move forward more creatively.  I have been writing again, not just blogging but getting back into poetry. I have started painting. I have been more assertive with my feelings and when I am hurt I have been better able to vocalize it rather than choke it down.  All of these things are terrifying but they feel right for me, they feel healing.

There are a few other straws I've been grasping at, but sharing my journey with Elizabeth is enough for today. What are you doing to take care of yourself? What inner voice have you avoided or ignored that is crying out for its own voice?  There is no such thing as silly or dumb when the life you are trying to save is your own.