Unintended Positives

Still reveling in the sunshine here on my wobbly propped chair just out of the muck.  Looking back over the past few months and I'm struck by a couple things, first I'm getting better at taking care of myself and opening up abut what I may need and what I'm really going through.  I was talking to someone about this very thing today, how I can be such a chameleon and be whomever the situation calls for. She was shocked by my depression because I "never acted sad."  That's what can make depression so insidious and dangerous, that sometimes people are good at acting like everything is ok so that they don't worry other people.  Sometimes we want to be left alone and in order to do that we keep it to our selves.  Sometimes it hurts too much to move. Every person's journey is different and unique and each outcome is very different.

Even as many times as I've been down this road this recovery from the blackness feels very different. I didn't go down so many of those dark roads I did in the past. So there isn't guilt to assuage.  There is just continuing the path I started all those months ago when I decided to take care of myself instead of doing the things I always did. I have a much clearer head these days and looking back I do see a few positives.  I've mentioned giving up sugar and working out, plus adding fish oil into my diet.  But I have also become a little more assertive with my feelings.

I know it sounds strange that assertiveness in my feelings is a good thing.  In the past I lived by repress and deny.  If someone hurt me choke it back. If I got angry I ignored it. But not now, I have had a few things come up that hurt me and one that cut to the bone. Instead of ignoring it or denying it happened, I confronted the people and it all worked out. When I say confront I don't mean shrieking and yelling and throwing things. We talked, like adults do, and we worked it out.  Honoring my feelings is a new and terrifying but it absolutely feels like the right thing.  At first it was to acknowledge that I was having feelings and then talking about it.  I'm sure my days of repress and deny are far from over, but at least it's a baby step into honoring myself and that's a good thing.