Mrs Watkins

It was an interesting weekend spent out of town at the Big 10 Championship. As always, Mike and I had a great time hanging out, laughing, wandering around and playing but something strange happened. We were staying with a colleague of Mike's in Indianapolis, whom I've only met once, and he thought I was Mike's wife.  It's jarring to be referred to by a name I only borrowed briefly in the late 90's and haven't used in years. Rather than try to explain our history and this delicate complex relationship after our divorce that even we don't understand, we went along with it.  Trust me, if you have seen us together you'd think we were still married, and even today have far too many people tell us we should consider re-marrying. Let me go on record as saying we were terrible married and it just doesn't work for us, we love each other but we are not couple material, we need separate relationships and addresses. But it was odd to be introduced to this wonderful couple's grandson as Mrs Watkins and to be asked about our courtship and our wedding.  It's funny to think how much has really changed for us, not just as a couple but as individuals.

I've thought a lot this weekend about who I used to be, what I used to be.  As I've moved through each year I always think ok this must be who I am now, I'm comfortable with me and this is it, this is who I am. And to a small degree I'm right, but I think if I met me from the Mrs. Watkins days I wouldn't recognize her and I know she wouldn't know me. On our drive today we talked a lot about who we were when we were married and what we did.  I know that I stepped up and took care of everything and he let me do it. That's what I did, that's what I do, I take care of things.

I do this in relationships, I take care of things, of people. I've done it in all my relationships and Mike called me out on it again this weekend.  Partly it's I want to take care of the people I love, but in relationships I feel a bit like I'm begging to be loved.  I read a post this weekend from Purple Clover (http://www.purpleclover.com/relationships/5304-no-good-deed/#) that I cannot stop thinking about. I can see exactly what this woman did, it makes total sense to me to act like she did, to take those extraordinary measures to save a man who didn't want to be saved.  I kept thinking about how I do this, I try to save the men in my life who should be capable of saving themselves (*disclaimer, Mike is awesome and does not need nor did he need saving by me or anyone else*). 

It's an interesting and painful read, the key for me now is that I recognize it. Actually when it got pointed out to me by Andy Myers, it rang true then too.  But the new path, the new way is how can I be different next time? How can I change so that when Mr Wonderful comes knocking he will actually deserve me and I won't have to feel like I have to prove I'm worthy of love.  This ties to what happened to B too, he needed saving-he actually thanked me for that at one point, and I'm starting to see, I mean REALLY see that the issue in our relationship is actually his.  I helped with what he needed and once he felt whole again and was done using me he found someone else.  It happened with D and it happened with K and R as a matter of fact.  I "fix" and they move on to someone else, I can't help it, I'm a fixer, I'm a planner.  

I'm know this weekend and the brush with Mrs Watkins will stay with me this week and how much I hve changed, and how much I still want to do better-for me.  It was a great big bright light shined into a corner of my life I try not to acknowledge let alone feel. I'm not ready to put it totally into words yet, the wound is still too raw but someday, someday.