Blog Change

Change to the web location for the blog, check out Not a Mother on Mother's Day at https://datingfitnesses.com/2016/05/09/not-a-mother-on-mothers-day/

Dating in the Digital Age

A couple weeks ago I decided to start dating again. In this day and age the easiest way to do that is to go online and with a little time, a credit card and some pictures you are there, profiles are setup and men are delivered to your inbox.  It's an odd thing, like picking someone out of a catalog.  I want someone who is 5'10" or taller, between the ages of 40-50 and living close to Omaha. It is possible to get more specific, college education, eye color, annual income are just a few that immediately come to mind. 

It's been interesting talking to people and to look at how the different sites work.  eHarmony makes you go through a bunch of questions to match you to people who meet specific criteria.  Match is a bit more open and I have received lots of a advice about Match. First off, and most telling is that if there is no photo then most likely the are married.  OMG really?  Can't cheaters go to Ashley Madison where they can meet other cheaters? Well, easy enough for me, immediate disqualification for no pictures.  Yet one more thing to be on the look out for.  This will be an adventure for sure! 

So to protect myself I have setup a separate email account that does not have my last name listed so that I can just be Michelle.  I've talked to a few people so far, texting and emailing outside the dating aps.  It's been interesting to get to know people. And the nerd in me may need to get a spreadsheet to keep everyone straight. 

So I had my first, first date in years last week.  It was nice.  The guy I went out with was really nice, very funny and we shared so many of the same pop culture references it was surreal.  He was so kind and nice and asked more than once if I was real because of my love of the comic book movies and shows (for future reference Deadpool followed closely by Ironman and Arrow slightly over the Flash).  Dinner was very nice and when he asked me to go out again I said yes.  All I could think was nice, did you notice that? Nice…I was hoping on our second date there would be some sparks but I realized that usually doesn't happen for me. Sparks are immediate or there is no attraction at all.  By Wednesday he'd texted that I was quiet and what was wrong, I was honest with him and it was one of the harder things I've had to do. As sucky as it is to be rejected it's really hard to say no thank you to someone. 

However a friend of mine pointed out that the worst thing that could happen would be to lead someone on and not tell the truth. I am glad I was able to tell him the truth, when we'd been talking we agreed that ghosting is the worst thing anyone can do, so at least I was able to say no thank you.   I'm also getting rejected, there are ways to just disqualify your profile immediately, you can send messages that don't get answered and that's fine too.  I keep thinking of the old sales statistics it takes 20 no's to get to a yes.  This could be a long process.   

It's an odd place to be with so much out there in the digital world, with very little searching I was able to find all kinds of things on Facebook, he was able to find limited things on me.  The last two men I've talked to immediately wanted me to friend them on Facebook, but that seemed way too intimate and way too fast.  Odd with all the things I share with Facebook that I'd hesitate to share with a potential boyfriend (side note boyfriend seems so young for being in my mid 40's but other words bum me out to quote Liz Lemon). But there are things on Facebook that I don't want shared with new people, especially if we haven't met yet. 

I think my Grama Pat summarized it best: Be patient Shellie, God's just getting him ready for you, I love you but you are a handful!  She's not wrong, then again, I don't think she's ever been wrong about me.  If nothing else I get to do a series of job interviews for a boyfriend for the next 5 months!  That is unless someone knows someone.  There's always hope that a referral works out!

Believing the PR

I remember a few years ago telling my therapist that my goal in life was to believe the public relations that I put out about myself, that I am confident, witty, and self assured.  Believe that fine line that I deserve all the good things that happened to me and that they happened by some accident or divine intervention and not because I'm smart and work hard. I think we all do that, put out one persona for the public and one for when we are at home, alone, covered in Oreo crumbs drinking red wind right out of the bottle and arguing with Netflix about my viewing habits.  Well, maybe that second part is just me.

I have done some of the work, I've done some of the reading.  I say some because I learn more and more every day.  I am constantly looking for how I can become this person I put out in my Public Relations releases, I want to always challenge myself.  I hope that I'm never satisfied with who I am, I hope that I am constantly challenging myself to be different, to be more. 

My challenge now is to take big steps to moving forward with what I want my life to look like. Tonight we ripped the bandaid off from the breakup, I went on my first, first date in forever.  He is a very nice man. We had great conversation and we made plans to go out again next weekend if we can.  It was, all in all, a good night.  I don't know if this will turn into something, but it was good to just go out and be sparkly for a bit, to flirt and laugh with a stranger.  If nothing else I’m really proud I’m out there again, closing a door on one relationship and then blowing up the bridge that leads to that house! 

I have had so much help in this journey.  All of the people who love me of course, thank you so much. There is no one more loved on this earth than I am, and I'll leg wrestle anyone who challenges me on that!  But I've done some things too and I am going to own my part in this. I've been working out and trying to eat right (except for the aforementioned Oreo/Red Wine combo).  I've been writing a ton. Poetry is catharsis for me, so is blogging. I have always said if I can help just one person then whatever I've dealt with is worth it. I've seen a psychic, an intuitive healer, a Reiki master, and I've prayed.  I've prayed a lot.  And not for anything specific, it's more about looking for peace from whomever has hurt me. I pray for their love, peace and joy. I don't pray that I can forgive them, I pray like I have already forgiven them. And I pray for me, that I can find my own peace, love and joy in divine right, divine time. 

And something must be working. I was at lunch with a dear friend last week and she said something that nearly had me tearing up. We were talking about the hard things we are dealing with in just being an adult and how we are making such huge changes with our little tribe of women. She looked at me and said I want to be where you are,  I want to be as strong as you are and as confident.  And there it was, a crossroads.  On one side I could dismiss what she said, play it off and deny that I've changed, deny that I could possibly be an inspiration for someone. Or….or I could smile with my whole heart, acknowledge I've worked really hard to get where I am and thank this lovely woman for noticing and being brave enough to tell me that I inspire her.

I thanked her, anything else would be insincere.  And so I believed the PR.

A room of love and pizza

Relationships are complex and messy and wonderful and ugly. People bring out the best and the worst of you. How you react speaks volumes about where you are in life.

I've been struggling to put this into words and I can't without getting overly personal and I can't do that.  It's about healing and choosing not to engage in something that is outside of my control.  This is shocking to admit as a total control freak, but sometimes walking away from a situation is the only thing you can do to protect the people you really love.

Historically I've bent over backwards and sold out pieces of my soul to make people happy, to make sure that there is no conflict and part of me dies every time I've done that.  So when does preserving toxic relationships win out over self preservation? Apparently it wins out until the cost is too great to bear. What happens is that the dynamic in relationships changes and if you don't warn people then they don't know what to do. 

I've lost people because of this, but I will not lose who I am anymore.  This is terrifying.  I don’t know what will happen, I don't know how some situations will resolve themselves and fully standing up and refusing to be treated less than I treat people is hard for a people pleaser.  I hope that it will be worth it. I hope that I can inspire other people to place value on themselves and realize that you do not have to tolerate being treated less than. You do not have to tolerate being used or letting someone trash you. You can walk away. You can ignore it and as my mother taught me, take the high road.

In all of the situations I've encountered lately I have to ask myself if I have to apologize for the way I reacted, and I try to make sure that what I've done makes me feel ok with myself. The apology includes one to me.  I think that's where people tend to miscalculate, they don’t look at how these things impact the person in the mirror. 

The good news is that healing is possible and while walking away is hard, there is still mourning and things to address.  I have wonderful people in my life who I can talk to and who will help with whatever I need.  There is nothing that heals more than being with people who truly love you.  I've been lucky enough to be able to have a sister to lean on and we had a room of love and pizza and each other.

Trainwreck in Tap Shoes

I don't know how Bobby and I got on the subject of my tap recital recently but it was an enlightening conversation. As little brothers do, he was teasing me about the fact that, at 40, I had my first dance recital. I love this story, I love how fun it was and I completely own all of it.

Jen (mythical best friend of 27 years) will say yes to me regardless of the question. If I call, I can't get past will you...and she's completely on board. It's been like that for years now and I love her for always being so willing to have an adventure. I told Jen that I wanted to take a dance class and she was 100% on board.  We signed up for adult Tap and Jazz and were two of 7 in the class. We worked from September to April on our two dances.

On the tap part, we came in on opposite sides towards each other and both of us had to make a study of the floor or we'd start laughing.  In hindsight we should have taken it maybe a bit more seriously but we had so much fun.  On the day of the rehearsal we allowed people to come see (or insisted).  We didn't want anyone there on the day of the actual performance.  I have the pictures of our class (like any 7 year old would) and I have the DVD which I did allow my ex to watch but I've never looked at it myself. I know how, um, interesting the dance was as we were doing it.  I'd be entirely too embarrassed to watch it.  Maybe someday Jen and  I will have some wine and put it in but I doubt it.  It's not that I have no skills, I just get distracted and then stop paying attention.

When Bobby brought up the recital to make his kids laugh, I couldn't help but laugh too. It was a mess, and I was--in my words--a trainwreck in tap shoes!  And I completely own that, and I wouldn't change a single thing about any of it. I learned so many important things about myself that it's worth every embarrassed giggle.  I think I love that most about me, I love that I can own things that would embarrass other people! What's the point if we can't laugh at ourselves?

So I will freely admit that I was a train wreck in tap shoes and I know that there are other things that I'll do (and con Jen into doing with me) that most women "our age" would never do, but I'd rather be that than to regret missing out on even one laugh.

I love this picture and I will always pick the front row.  Which row are you going to choose? Will you even be brave enough to pick or will you hold the purses and stand in line?

On being a Writer...

It's a tough title, it's one I've shied away from for years, being a Writer or a Poet is something I take very seriously and the title carries weight with me. This week I spent time looking for an old training guide that I developed in 2000, and in searching through plastic bins I found all of my old poetry notebooks, some papers and some fiction I'd written in high school and college. I'm delighted that most of my college essays had, scrawled at the top, copied for the class. I forgot most of them and certainly forgot I was used as an example.

It's funny now to see them, typewritten with whiteout and all masking the errors, but the writing was solid. And even funnier are the carefully handwritten papers, blue ink, double spaced and more whiteout.  Overall the tone is a bit young but very solid and I'm not embarrassed about it. Ok, truth be told, the poetry is very gushy and hallmark but I was young and it's how I processed falling in love for the first time. And eventually processed him cheating on me and breaking my heart (sound familiar at all?).  I pulled all of it into a single bin and have it in my office now. I want to go through it not just because it'll be fun to see where I was but I'm sure there are nuggets I can pull out and play with.  For example a phrase to play with: shining knight in a black camaro.  That needs revisiting, so does an essay I wrote at 16 about sports and the idea of men planting themselves in front of a TV for four months during football season--not bad for a kid!

I've been writing very consistently ever since picked up a pen at 16 trying to sort out my feelings, it's how I've processed the big things that happened in my life from love to not love, from joy to pain and later it was how I got to the other side of PTSD. I process with a pen and paper, I have reams of paper and dozens of notebooks but I don't really  consider myself a writer because I've never been published.  But that's not true either, I used to have a column in a local magazine years ago, so I've been published.  Yet I hold the title Writer reverently and refuse to apply it to myself, that is until recently. Recently I've described myself as a Poet who does project management to pay the bills or a Writer who has a job to pay the bills.

Calling myself a Writer is easier than saying I’m a Poet. I remember the first time I said I was a poet, it was 2 years ago.  I went to the Iowa Summer Writing Festival and took a week long session with Dora Malech and it was amazing. At the end of the week Dora offered up an hour to each of us to just talk one on one.  I told her I was having a hard time saying I was a poet. She leaned back, crossed her arms and said "say it, say you are a poet, because you are one." I was flabbergasted and stumbled but said it, I am a poet.  When I was checking out of my hotel later that day the hotel clerk asked if I was there for the festival and I nodded and said, "Yes, I'm a poet," and then promptly burst into tears because it was the first time I owned it out loud. 

I still struggle with owning it, with owning that I am a Writer and that I want to be a Writer. There are lots of opportunities in Omaha to share poetry and I hesitate to step forward and put my hand up, I need to work on that more this year. I do regularly go to an open mic (watch my Facebook if you are interested) and will continue to seek opportunities to help me develop my writing and share my poems.  And even typing that I have a small constant voice in the back of my head asking just who the hell I think I am saying any of this. 

Oh that voice, that same voice that says I can't run a mile or that cake is better than working out. This voice wants me to not only stay where I am but would probably like me to go back a few steps. This voice holds me back and does not want anything to change, but she can't win.  The things I'm doing today are uncomfortable and new and terrifying and exciting and scary and necessary.  I will not be who I've always been because while I love that it got me to where I am, there are other things I need to do.  So I'm a Poet-project manager-daughter-sister-aunt-friend-runner, and I can't wait to see what additional hyphenates I can add to that someday!

**Writer and Poet are capitalized on purpose and with forethought.**

44 Things I Know for Sure

Oprah closes every one of her magazines with a page on things she knows for sure, as I'm heading to the anniversary of my birth and starting another year on this big blue marble I wanted to share some things I know for true.  What things do you know?

1. There are people in your life that will change your whole world if you let them in or let them go.
2. I cannot do this life without my family those by blood and those by heart.
3. Fresh flowers brighten a whole day.
4. There is nothing better than taking off your work clothes and putting on play clothes at the end of a day.
5. Paying off a major debt feels amazing.
6. So does day drinking.
7. Love won't fix you.
8. Lost love won't kill you either.
9. Love is always worth the risk.
10. Sometimes a day alone in your pajamas is better than anything else in the world.
11. A bad hour doesn't have to lead to a bad day or week or year or life.
12. Time spent reading is never wasted time.
13. If you don't love your job that will bleed into your life.
14. Everyone is an artist they may not have discovered the medium just yet.
15. I will always need to write poetry even if no one ever reads it.
16. Books are almost always better than the movie-courtesy of my friend Susie.
17. Libraries are magical.
18. I am stronger than I think I am.
19. Assuming good intent makes you kinder when people hurt you. And they will.
20. Iron Man is the best Avenger.
21. Sometimes sleeping late means 7:30.
22. I am not defined by my past.
23. I do not have to like someone because they like me first.
24. I am enough.
25. I will always watch The Shawshank Redemption if it is on television.
26. From my friend Kory-friends will be around, but good friends are there when things are bad.
27. I will always want to learn new things.
28. Let your freak flag fly!
29. The moments that change your life can be glaring or subtle, they are there.
30. Living downtown was among the best decisions I ever made.
31. There is nothing I love more than when one of my kids yells Lollie as they run to me.
32. Sometimes the only thing that can make a day go away is a hot bath and a glass of wine.
33. Stand up comedy is excellent company in the car.
34. Reflecting on gratitude daily can change your life.
35. So can meditation.
36. And working out.
37. I will always be a hunter and gatherer of people.
38. My fichus tree George will always be less work than a pet and will live longer (way to go George, 18 years!)
39. The sun will rise again, even if I don't see it--from my friend Todd.
40. Remington Steele was the best show from the 80's and Pierce Brosnan was the best Bond.
41. Drinks always taste better on a patio.
42. The ocean will heal you.
43. Apple products are better than Android.
44. I love my life, with the bumps and bruises, the sharp turns and brakes, the false starts and stalls, the brilliance, the love, the laughter, the tears and the overwhelming joy.  I love my life.

Law of Attraction (part 2)

I have a vision board, I haven't looked at it in a while and am currently culling magazines to start another one, now that I have a fuller clearer picture of what I want life to look like for me.  It's interesting how many times in the past week I've heard things about what you say to yourself and how that shapes the world.  So if I setup a new vision board what can I do differently with my self-talk to make the things I see real?

In the session with Andy Dooley he explained why the Law doesn't work for people, why they get so frustrated. We put messages out in the universe about what we want but we don’t really believe we deserve it so we do a half assed job believing in ourselves.  Sound familiar? How about this? I really want that new job, I'm going to get my resume updated. I'm going to do the online application and I'm going to research the company so I'm ready.  The minute we submit the application we begin to doubt. I've never done that before, I am overreaching. I could never do the job. They are never going to call so that's what we put out for God or the universe to respond to. They hear I could never do it so they don’t give it to us.

The battle rages inside our heads, we ask for one thing and then immediately sabotage ourselves.  In church this week I heard the same message, we ask for something and then doubt it, we pray and then doubt we will receive. So we are sending mixed messages what we want versus denying we want it. What if we didn’t?  What if we trusted that the universe, that God was working in our best interests?

I've talked about it before but it bears repeating, the dialog I have historically had with myself has been so horrifyingly negative that I would immediately dropped any person who spoke to me like that. I have to admit though since I've become more aware of this, of how I want to shape my future I have caught myself much more frequently and have been able to stop the negative self talk.  There are two ways I started doing this.  I posted last January how when I hear these negative voices I stop them by putting the voice into my best friend Jen's voice.  Jen's been my best friend and champion for more years than I'm interested in sharing. Jen has zero credibility with me because she believes in me 100% so when the negative voices won't go away I put them in her voice and they stop.  Jen would never speak to me with anything other than love, and that's teaching me to speak to myself only with love.

Another way that I was able to stop the negative thoughts are to consider them objectively.  In Brene Brown's book she mentions considering negative thoughts with the idea of isn't that interesting and letting it go.  I've been in some situations lately where I've had opportunities to interact with negative people. In the past I would take every look, every movement, every whisper as a an indication of something that I did wrong.  This time, this time it was different. I was able to look at the situation, consider it and dismiss it as interesting and ultimately nothing to do with me.  Each person reacts to their own agenda and that has nothing to do with me. 

So how does all this tie back to the Law of Attraction?  If we can monitor our thoughts, if we can take the high road and not react in negative situations to the people around us then we have a chance to make things different.  This time right now, this time is transition and we don't do transition well.  Andy Dooley talks about this a lot, that we get the picture of the end game but we don’t wait for it well, we don't do transition well.  All the books and articles talk about how to get to the end game, they don't talk about how hard it is to wait for it.

There are a million different ways to say it, in God's time, one day at a time, thy will be done.  They are all saying the same thing, that we have to wait for whatever it is that we want.  There is a caveat on that too, sometimes what we want isn't the right thing at all. How many times have we wished or prayed for something and not gotten it, only to get something much better in its place? I have yet in my life to not have had things work out better than even I could have prayed for.  The key is letting it go. Say the prayer, do the work and let it go.

Next up, more on navigating transition but in the mean time, be kind, be gentle and pay attention to the stories you are telling yourself.

Leap Day and 11:11

With the Law of Attraction stuff I've been looking at lately, I found an interesting article on Leap Day and 11:11 that inspired me to write some goals, but first some fun things about 11:11 according to the Elephant Journal. 

"According to numerology the number 11 possesses the qualities of patience, honesty, spirituality, sensitivity, intuition and is idealistic and compassionate. Those people who are drawn to 11, operate on a different level of energy than most, and when two people come together who both have this type of energy it’s almost combustible. 11:11 is the universe’s way of urging us to pay attention to our heart, our soul and our inner intuition. It’s serving as a wake-up call to us so that opportunities are not missed in this lifetime." (link is here)

In the article it mentioned how vital the time was on 2/29 at 11:11  to meditate and consider what we want for the year.  So I did that, I looked at what  wanted for my year in seven areas: Love, Friendship, Writing, Health, Career, Spirituality and Money, I literally named the list What I want in 2016.  It's interesting to me to look at the first three things on my list, Love, Friendship and Writing, and Money is last.

My list looks like this:

Love: find a place for me in Mr Wonderful's heart and finding room in my heart for real love, my partner, my true match.  I want to open myself to new opportunities to love and be loved.

Friendship: continue to grow and love with my friends, share my journey so we can all continue to grow together.  Be open to new people and let go of the people who do not fit.

Writing: PUBLISHED POET!!! I am a poetry rockstar or a rockstar poet both work. Hit 15,000 views on my blog, get two suggestions from readers on topics and have readers find me from places other than Facebook and Twitter.

Health: it's time to step out of the fat suit and step into my real life. There is no wrong food choice, food isn't an enemy it's just nourishment. I may run anther half marathon, I will be able to do 50 pushups and 350 old school sit-ups-not crunches.

Career: Continue to flourish at my new company and grow my team. I will provide guidance and skills no one else can.

Money: I will attract financial security and be on my way to wealth and security in my future. I will comfortably pay all of my outstanding obligations and save for the future easily. I will investigate homeownership again. I love financial responsibility.

My life will be focused and full of intent with an eye towards my hopes and dreams. I will act as if I have already achieved my goals and trust that I will be taken care of. I will be humbled and grateful for the gifts I receive and will share any knowledge I glean to help other people reach their goals.

I think it's a true picture of where I want to be and what I want.  The minute was a good opportunity to stop and reflect and concentrate on what is important to me.  What's important to you? What do you want from life? How can you make one small change today to impact your future goals?

Law of Attraction (part 1)

I went to see Psychic Andy (andymyersonline.com) a few weeks ago for a one on one session and among other things, he referred to me as a radio antennae.  Let me explain; he said that whatever I put out there I will get back and then some.  I have to be careful of the thoughts that I put out in the world because I shape my own world and being intuitive I manifest my world very specifically and much easier than most.  He asked me if I've ever not gotten something I've really wanted.  Um, no-generally things work out for me. Sometimes not in the way I'd originally planned, but I don't have many regrets and there is virtually nothing I wish would have worked out differently.

Last year at this time I was planning for a move to KC or for having someone I love move in with me, I certainly didn't think I'd be single again. But as I look back at my relationship with some perspective and not reeling from broken heartedness and rage I can see that B was never going to be enough for me.  I talked to a few people we know in common who wondered what I was doing with him, wondering what I'd seen in him to start with.  It goes back to what Psychic Andy said months ago, I don't have to be the mother, life coach and financier in my relationships.  If I'm totally, brutally honest (and when am I not) I didn't get much back from him. I thought I wanted him forever and ever amen, but looking at what I really want in a partner and husband it isn't someone I have to take care of.  From this I'll get closure and an open heart for the, so far uncast, Mr Wonderful.  So if I was manifesting what I really want in a partner, it makes sense that B and I broke up, he wasn't what I really wanted.  He was a last gasp into who I was, not who I want to be.  It's taken me these six months of crying, honesty, sleepless nights, talking, writing, more crying and more talking to realize that I don't have to settle for someone who didn't feel like enough. I shouldn't like someone who liked me first, I shouldn't have to work at liking someone back.  It's ok to say no thank you.

Since talking to Andy I've been bombarded by opportunities to learn about the Law of Attraction and how our personal vibrations bring us the things we seek, both the positive things and the negative things.  I've been thinking about this a lot in the past two weeks.  I want to get specific for what I'm looking for and who I'm looking for.  Right now my list for Mr Wonderful has four things: 1. Financially Independent and Secure 2. Tall 3. Funny and 4. I'd like someone who wears a suit to work-I've never had that before…seems like it may be fun.  This is only one of the lists, I'm working on a vision board for what I want my full life to look like but as things work with the Law, it's not how you get there-that's trust. It's all about being very clear about what I do want my life to look like, about finding things that resonate with me and then acting as if they are already mine. Again I'm trying to be very thoughtful with this and very specific on what I want.  Part of this, for me, is introducing a few mantras (they come in handy when I’m running and I get bored which is always) like I'm a rockstar poet and I'm overwhelmed with gratitude for the abundance in my life.

The critic who lives in my head (who's voice shall remain uncredited) is totally rolling their eyes, they think this is all crap. And that's fine. As I continue to explore this idea part of the overall goal is to get rid of the critic, get rid of the person sending the negative vibes out there to begin with.  All of the can'ts, won'ts, shouldn'ts and I told you so's in my life, this voice needs to be quieted and only I can do that. 

Only I can do that…so what are you trying to attract? How are you trying to attract it?

Directional Variations and a Compass

I was at an interesting seminar today that's going to stick with me for a while, (more on that some other day), but when I was there I had a thought about chaining direction.  Most of us, when we are dissatisfied with our lot in life, frankly, don't do anything at all, we stay in it--go with the devil you know and all. But some of us will do something drastic, sell the house, get divorced, move all the way across country, get surgery, take a lover (I've always wanted to use that phrase) or quit our job. But what if we realized that to truly make a massive, drastic change all you have to do is make a minor modifications and move forward.

I've been trying to Google the math on this, I know I read somewhere that a tiny error in an angle can have catastrophic impacts. And thinking about it, if you move an angle out by .1 degrees by the time it reaches the moon the angle is hundreds of miles off course (or millions, I'm a poet not a scientist). Even closer to home, imagine a compass that isn't truly calibrated right and you are using that to wander in the forest, a slight error in North will send you miles in the wrong direction. 

Confused? This is why I'm not a scientist.  Here's what I'm really saying, if I want things to be different then I have to be different. It doesn't have to be huge giant changes like leaving life behind, it can be small targeted changes. I've made some simple but significant changes lately. I've started following people who inspire me on Facebook, I try to repost things that sing to my heart, I've given up my snooze button in the mornings (I cannot stress how huge this one is despite it being small).   I stopped eating dairy (not sure why I gave it up but it makes skipping ice cream easier), I have my groceries delivered to my house-this way there's no impulse shopping and nothing in the house that isn't good for me.  I am trying to honor my gut and my heart with what's best for me.  But what's best for me isn't always easy.  It's removing people from my life who are toxic, it's honoring my time and only putting it towards things I want to do and that serve my dream or my heart, it's eating more vegetables and less processed foods.  It's moving more and sitting less.  It's having the grace to walk away when something or someone doesn’t quite fit for me.

When I look behind me I don't see a massive shift like uprooting my whole life would do, the path looks almost the same, but I'm counting on the magic of math to prove to me that slight variations in the angle will result in a massive course shift in the future.  This isn't me saying that I'm flying blind here, I have a very specific picture of what I want the future to look like, this is me trusting that the small changes will add up to something spectacular.  I was trying to type something about missing the target but still getting the landing or something but the truth is that if I make the small changes consistently and adapt as I go along, I cannot miss the mark because the mark will change with me.  Huh, I'm pretty profound tonight.

Is there one small thing you can do to step towards your dreams?

Expectations Will Get You

Life can be very hard, it can be complicated.  Even just normal day to day living can cause stress and problems in just existing.  Then on top of that there are the expectations that we set on ourselves and others. Expectations are very, very dangerous.  I learned years ago not to have expectations of certain people in my life, to let the bar sit low so that I am protected and my feelings are saved. It seems harsh to my own heart to say that, to not have expectations but experience is the best teacher. What that really means is that I have so little feelings about the situation that I don't get emotionally invested. Again, self preservation at it's finest. 

This works for me, I know who I can count on and who I need to just let go of, just go with the flow.  What worries me about some people I know are the devastating consequences that they wreak by unrealistic and unspoken expectations of everyone and everything around them.  This is the gotcha, someone has a huge picture in their head of how a day will go or a situation and they don’t share what that should look like so they are crushed by the outcome. This outcome that couldn’t possibly ever meet the picture they have in their head and worse they didn't tell anyone about it so there's no way anyone could have ever acted the way they expected.  Confused? I was too but it suddenly was clear, these hidden expectations were ruining a day-interfering with relationships. That's what made me look so closely at my own heart when it comes to expectation.

I expect when people tell me that they want things to be different with a partner, a job or themselves that they are going to do the work necessary to follow through with it.  It's been six months since my heart was broken and I can already feel the pieces fused back together, I know I am stronger and well on the road back to myself.  What does this have to do with expectation? My ex talked a big game about promotions at work and wanting to go further and do new things, but at the end of the day he never changed anything to make that happen.  He talked a lot about trying a new career and moving to Omaha to be with me.  He talked about a lot of things, but there was never any change.  As I get further and further from him I am realizing that he did me a favor.  I had expectations of him, mostly that he'd work towards his dreams and not just give them lip service. Even if he'd come here I think he was always going to be the guy who wanted to do things, and never the guy who did things.  And that makes me sad for him and relived for me. I want someone who wants to reach for more, like I do.

Please, please, for the sake of relationships and your own heart, when you have expectations of someone or yourself, then please tell them.  When someone doesn't meet your expectation, have you told them what you wanted?  This becomes especially timely to me on Valentine's day. Right now there is a couple fighting or someone is angry because they didn’t get the gift or didn't get treated as they expected today.  Too often these people said don't make a fuss for Valentine's day or don't get me anything. Their poor partner believed them and chaos ensued. 

I have some high expectations for myself and this year.  And so far I've managed to keep my word to myself.  I go to bed half the nights sore and exhausted.  I am eating to treat my body the way it deserves and not just what's easiest and fastest.  And unlike some other people I am speaking these intentions loud and proud.  This is what I expect from me. 

45lb Plate

One of the original things that inspired me to blog post was almost 2 years ago, I was running and an idiot shouted something out of a window at me in his car. (click here if you want to re-read Hate at 35mph) I've been thinking about that a lot this week after my workout on Tuesday.  Despite the snow situation here in Omaha I went and worked out on Tuesday after work. Ok, full disclosure my very nice gym is in my condo building and although I had to go outside, I didn't have to set foot in snow or move out from under our awning, so not that much  of a miracle to go work out. 

My gym is like so many small gyms out there, it's got the normal machines and weights and then what my friend Heather and I call the "boy" section of the gym, the more intimidating free weights and plated machine part of the gym.  Well that’s where my trainer wants me to work out so I do it, again there is a countdown to October 1 coming up after all!

On Tuesday these to gentlemen were screwing around with a Hammer shoulder press machine I wanted to use so I moved on to something else, keeping an eye on my machine.  Finally I thought they were done so I moved the 45lb plate down on one side and was moving to the other side for my turn on the shoulder press.  One of the men interrupted me with sorry, we aren't done. I apologized and put the 45lb weight back on the machine.  He stopped, and said: Girl, did you really just throw that 45lb weight around like it weighed nothing?  I laughed and told him that it takes strength to be me. He said: throwing that around like that just made me look like a pussy. I laughed again and moved to another machine.

I caught him watching me a couple of times when I was on a few other machines, it felt like he was taking measure of me, was I really as strong as I said.  I was flattered and just laughed when he was watching me. Hell yea I'm that strong.  Hell yea I do work out on this side.  I saw him a few other times last week and he always gave me a nod.  It's funny thinking about both situations, the jackass who yelled out a window and the fellow gym goer and his respect.  He will never know how much his comment meant to me, he will never know how much taller I stood or how much more I felt like I fit in at the gym thanks to him.

I hope I see him again this week, I hope he sees that I may be slower or not a super model but I'm there day after day doing my best.  I hope that I can see that in me too, that I'm doing my best.  That's all anyone can do-whatever their best may be-what more could we want? 

Conceding

There are things each of us do very well in our lives, we manage people, families, projects. We excel at crafts or cooking or driving or organizing peoples lives. We are second to none when it comes to being a healer or fixing cars or making things.  I know that I am a good cook, I am very good at taking care of the people I love. I enjoy working and building teams. I'm pretty good with words and I've loved reconnecting with my inner poet. I love very easily, I laugh very hard and I fail spectacularly.  I work very hard to keep my heart open even when it's been broken.  I am fiercely competitive and I do tell a good story and I love making people laugh.  However, I am horrible when it comes asking anyone for help. 

This weekend I was really sick with a migraine and I contemplated asking someone to take me to urgent care at about 11 in the morning, but stupidly I talked myself out of being that sick until 4pm when I was totally dehydrated and shaky.  Stupidly I waited because I didn't want to be a bother.  And it was stupid, I stayed in pain for 5 hours I didn't need to because of my dumb pride. I met with an executive coach a couple years ago and after a sucker punch from her you'd think I'd be better at asking. I was specifically meeting with her to get help with asking people to help me.  She asked me some questions about helping, why did I enjoy helping people.  And it's easy to answer, I like to be helpful, I like to make people's lives a bit easier. I like to help.  She looked at me straight in the eye and asked why then, if I got so much joy out of helping other people why would I be a martyr and never ask for help?

I sat in stunned silence for more than a minute. I had no defense. It was a fair question and led to more. Do I think I am the only person capable of helping anyone? If I love my family and friends as much as I do and if I'd drop everything to help them no matter what, then why wouldn’t I allow someone to do that for me? Why would I deny the people I love the opportunity to feel like I do when I can be useful to someone I love? So despite my waiting on Saturday to call I am getting better at asking for help.  I'm not great at it, I don't know that I'll ever be able to ask for help quickly.  My fear is that I'd become one of those  people who suck the life out of their friends and are incapable of doing anything on their own. 

I know, I'm a person of extremes.  Not being able to ask my best friend to drive me to urgent care somehow translates to asking everyone around me to do everything for me and losing all my friends.  So I'm conceding, I suck at asking for help and will work on that. I will work on the idea that asking for help won't make me like those soul sucking people who can do nothing for themselves.  So there it is, my Achilles heel or my kryptonite is asking for help, I'll work on it.  What's yours? What is the one thing you can't seem to do that's easier for everyone else?

Countdown to October

I have a wonderful, dear, sweet, beautiful friend who's floored me this week by asking me to be her maid of honor. I'm thrilled and excited and so happy to be involved in helping her with the wedding.  The only daunting thing is the freaking dress.  I don't know the other bridesmaids yet but in my head they are Gisele, Naomi, Claudia and Elle (check your super model knowledge people).  I'm much more in the Melissa McCarthy, Rikki Lake or the fat one from Wilson Phillips genre.  It's daunting and terrifying so I did what any sane and rational person would do this week when she asked me, I immediately made a countdown calendar and started keeping track of the days that I was working out. For the record, as of today there are 251 days to the wedding. Something about this wedding, this time in my life, that I'm taking very seriously-I'm hoping that the forward momentum I have will carry me through.

So far I've worked out 4 days in a row and with the help of a great trainer I’m staying focused.  My trainer, Laura, is inspirational, funny, sweet and so kind.  But she's Canadian and so when I swear at her I feel pretty guilty at how nice she is back at me.  However that doesn't stop me from flipping her off at every chance.  I also had another friend text me about trying a retro aerobics class this morning. I have to tell you that it was a total riot.  Doing the grapevine, the box step, all kinds of moves I remember from the early 90's.  And just like back then I got confused and had to stop and laugh! 

At Laura's request I got on the scale today for the first time in over a year and I was not pleased with the number, but it's just a number-that was the mantra today, just a number.  It's a good way to measure progress I suppose although the thought of getting on a scale again weekly bothers me. We are so ruled by those stupid little numbers.  In my head and heart I keep telling myself that it's only one way to measure progress. I keep saying that muscle weighs more than fat, that the fact that my pants size hasn't changed in two years and frankly are fitting better these days, and ultimately it doesn't make any difference if I weigh 450lbs or 120lbs, I'm still just me. I'm reminded of a meme I saw on Facebook a few years back. 

This is the vital part of the message, who I am has nothing to do with what I look like. I was reminded of that today by my sweet brother Bob. I mentioned some of my concerns to him about the maid of honor thing and he was lightning fast to remind me that no matter what I am beloved. I want to share this message with all, it is only a number, it isn't your self worth and your value of as a person. How and why you are valued as a person is entirely personal to you and who you are.  The idea of someone's value is completely subjective. My friends and family have untold value because they matter to me, but plenty of people don't care at all about the same people-that is only because they don't know them at all.  But that's how value works, what and how do I value things, especially myself.  What an interesting journey we are going to take.

I'm currently reading The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown, PhD, LMSW and I have two ideas for blogs coming up, I highly recommend taking a look, it's a great and thought provoking book.  Book club anyone?

Transitions and goals

With starting something new I tend to spend time trying to find some way to make some other changes in my life.  When I started at MFS Intelenet a million years ago I decided to stop being afraid to speak in front of groups and I decided to be more of who my family knew me as; sarcastic, funny and a storyteller.  That decision changed the course of my whole life. I met some people I still keep in touch with today, I found a long time friend who I lived with for years and I eventually ended up changing careers into training and development.

I've spent today getting things cleaned up in the house and getting ready for the week and thinking about making more changes. I am finally getting over being sick so it's time to hit the gym again. Maybe I embrace what the pulmonologist said and act like an athlete. I cooked heathy foods today that were heavy on the veggies, I packed a gym bag to potentially try out a new gym this week to add to my other gym. I want to be able to take classes if the mood strikes, that and one of my favorite people to work out with belongs not far from where I work.

I've not always set goals with working out, but I get to be in a wedding this fall and I will not be the fat girl AGAIN. I'm done with that. I don't mind being curvy, but I'm done not being able to shop where I want to whenever I want to. But mostly I'm intimidated by the thought of being a bridesmaid at my advanced age, at wearing a matching dress with tall gorgeous thin women makes me ill.  So now I have a goal, I have a picture in my head of what I want to look like this fall.  I learned a long time ago that the scale is a number and an inaccurate number of what you are actually made of.  In college I was weighed underwater which shows what you'd weigh at zero body fat.  According to that I'm still overweight, at ZERO body fat.  We have all heard the stories of the wrestlers or gymnasts who are considered obese because their body fat is so low and they are so much muscle.

I'm lucky that at 18 I learned that I am not a number on a scale, now mind you it took until about 2 years ago for me to throw a scale away, but it's all progress.  I plan to to measure my success by how I feel and how my clothes fit, by being able to increase weights at the gym and by eventually running faster.  I want to measure how I'm doing by my standards, not by a scale.  On that note I challenge all of you to taking a stand at the doctors office. I decided a year ago that I was not going to get on their scale again unless it's pertinent to why I'm there. I'm sorry medical professionals but there is nothing weight related in an ear infection or a migraine.  It's freeing to say no and refuse to get on that scale.  Give it a try!

Saying I love you...

Love is complicated.  Love is a commitment. Love is something that we can really only get when we are willing to give it away.  I've realized in the past year that the more I love, the more I give of myself, the more I get back in return. It's scary to love, to put yourself out there, not just in a romantic way but to love friends and family and potentially get hurt.  More than potentially hurt, you will get hurt. Even the people I love the most in the world have hurt me and I've hurt them. It's part of living. It's part of being human, we disappoint people but if we love enough we grow from that.

When B and I broke up, I remembered one of the things I was most worried about was closing my heart and trying to protect myself.  I did that after the divorce, I shut completely down and tried to protect my heart. All that happened is that when I surfaced a year later I had gained 40lbs, made some horrible (and really fun) mistakes romantically and was very alone.  I had to learn how to fight back to the surface, I had to learn how to trust  again, I had to learn how to be me. It's never easy to honor who you are, it's a terrifying journey. I've lost friends, family, jobs, hobbies, opportunities, all kinds of things I loved. Let me rephrase that.  All kinds of things I loved but decided to let go because they weren't right for me.

I've learned in the last 6 months that Jesus did have it right, turn the other cheek.  In my heart that means keep loving and stay open to people, even the ones that hurt you, especially the ones that hurt you, beg your heart to stay open.  Remaining open is the best way to honor who you are and who you want to be.  I've learned so much in the past year and what I am clinging to is how easy it is to love. By loving freely and completely I am  honoring who I am and who I can be. 

Again, love is complicated. Love is commitment.  Love is something that we can really only get when we are willing to give it away.  One of the things I've been awestruck by lately is how easily I can tell people I love them.  Love comes easily in my 40's and is even easier to give it away.  I have several friends whom not only do we hug and kiss when we part, but it’s a very easy I love you as we are leaving.  It's hugging my brothers and my sister whenever I can and telling them I love them. It's hugging and kissing nieces and nephews and making sure that they know I love them too.  It's not hanging up with my mom unless I say I love you.  It's praying and sending love to the people who aren't in my life and wishing nothing but love and peace for them. (I'm not there yet with B, but someday-I'm not that generous of heart with him yet.) I don't know why we are so afraid to love people and tell them. 

Jen and I have been friends since 1989. We were roommates freshman year of college, I've loved this girl since I was 18 years old. We have been through marriages, my divorce, miscarriages, babies, love and loss.  She is closer to me than any person on the planet. We are thoroughly entrenched in each others lives. Her husband of 20 years describes me as his second wife, I'm a God mother to one of her sons and to both I'm Aunt Lollie (wally or yayeee actually).  Both her mother and mother in law consider me a daughter, part of both families. Something happened when we turned 40, we do not leave each other without a hug and a kiss and an I love you.  I called Jen to make sure that she was ok with her name in my blog and she laughed, of course it is.  We talked about how in our 20's we are invincible and rely on the unsaid.  That we never think anything will happen, that people know so why should we say it. Or the other side, that we'd be too embarrassed to not hear it back. I'm glad those days are behind me. I'm glad that my heart is so full of people I love and who love me back. I'm grateful that I can tell the people I love just how I feel about them without fear.

If love is this good in my live today, I cannot imagine how much sweeter this will be in 10 years or 20 years.  What I do know for sure is that there is no force on earth that will make me stop loving the way I do, with no expectation of anything back but maybe a hug.

Happy New Year!

I love that 2015 is over. I didn't have the most amazingly wonderful year in the world. I had a major depressive episode and took about 4 months to get my anti-depressants worked out and as soon as that was all balanced the man I love dumped me for a woman who spells her name like she's 14. We had been together off and on for years. He had been a major part of my history and I thought was my whole future but I was mistaken and was played for a fool.  So all in all not the best year from this close of a vantage point.  And I accept that, I made choices along the way that led to this conclusion and I own those.  But I already know how much I will have learned when I get some more distance on this year.  And that's all I wanted for the holidays was to get through to January 1 and get to a new year.  I know that once I get distance from 2015 I'm sure it will be a watershed year in my life, the year that triggered changes and so much growth (right now f*$k that though).  But time is kind and softens all the edges. 

I have been thinking a lot the past few days about what I want to do in 2016 and my friend Keith posted an idea I can't stop thinking about (https://theferriswheelblog.wordpress.com), it's about finding a theme for the year instead of specific resolutions, stopping the craziness of making and failing at the same promises over and over. Time magazine lists the top resolutions as: Losing weight, quitting smoking, learn something new, save money and get out of debt.  All the usual suspects are represented.  For example last year I was going to work out more, get healthy and B and I were going to figure out if he was moving to Omaha or I was moving to KC.  None of that really panned out for me.  But what if I change the intention, what if I look at how I want to feel at the end of 2016. Quoting Keith who quoted Trey Hill: To say it another way, theme is the guiding idea that strings together all the choices — success & failure — a character makes and gives them singular, overarching purpose.

A theme is the idea that strings together all the choices.  So looking back at 2015 my theme was so easily hope.  Hope is the one thing that kept me moving forward and kept me going every day. Hope that whatever I was doing would work out, hope that I could figure it out, hope that my relationship would work and when that didn't pan out, and then hope that I could still keep my heart open as I got over him. I'm still working on that, staying open and hoping for real love whenever the universe deems me ready. 

So I keep thinking about 2016 and what I want to see at the end of this year, what do I want my overall theme to be? Mike Dooley (www.tut.com) offered some suggestions too: Adventure, New Experience, Change, Friendship, Love, Giving Back, Creativity and Health.  The one word that keeps resonating in my mind is Peace.  I struggle to put words to what I feel about peace. Is it decluttering? Is it financial security? Is it a long term relationship? Is it letting go of the past? I found a quote from Marcus Aurelius "He who lives in harmony with himself lives in harmony with the world." I think that's as close to what I want to feel as I can get, living in harmony with myself.  This translates into honoring myself with who I know I want to be.  I want to work out hard and honor my body. I want to eat things I can recognize and aren't made up of chemicals. I want to keep writing and sending things out in hopes of being published. I want to participate more in the writing community in Omaha and do readings.  I want to meditate and practice stillness.  I want to honor myself and my time by not participating with people who don't help me in my journey.  

So have you set resolutions? Are you looking at themes? Who do you want to be at the end of 2016?