Saying I love you...

Love is complicated.  Love is a commitment. Love is something that we can really only get when we are willing to give it away.  I've realized in the past year that the more I love, the more I give of myself, the more I get back in return. It's scary to love, to put yourself out there, not just in a romantic way but to love friends and family and potentially get hurt.  More than potentially hurt, you will get hurt. Even the people I love the most in the world have hurt me and I've hurt them. It's part of living. It's part of being human, we disappoint people but if we love enough we grow from that.

When B and I broke up, I remembered one of the things I was most worried about was closing my heart and trying to protect myself.  I did that after the divorce, I shut completely down and tried to protect my heart. All that happened is that when I surfaced a year later I had gained 40lbs, made some horrible (and really fun) mistakes romantically and was very alone.  I had to learn how to fight back to the surface, I had to learn how to trust  again, I had to learn how to be me. It's never easy to honor who you are, it's a terrifying journey. I've lost friends, family, jobs, hobbies, opportunities, all kinds of things I loved. Let me rephrase that.  All kinds of things I loved but decided to let go because they weren't right for me.

I've learned in the last 6 months that Jesus did have it right, turn the other cheek.  In my heart that means keep loving and stay open to people, even the ones that hurt you, especially the ones that hurt you, beg your heart to stay open.  Remaining open is the best way to honor who you are and who you want to be.  I've learned so much in the past year and what I am clinging to is how easy it is to love. By loving freely and completely I am  honoring who I am and who I can be. 

Again, love is complicated. Love is commitment.  Love is something that we can really only get when we are willing to give it away.  One of the things I've been awestruck by lately is how easily I can tell people I love them.  Love comes easily in my 40's and is even easier to give it away.  I have several friends whom not only do we hug and kiss when we part, but it’s a very easy I love you as we are leaving.  It's hugging my brothers and my sister whenever I can and telling them I love them. It's hugging and kissing nieces and nephews and making sure that they know I love them too.  It's not hanging up with my mom unless I say I love you.  It's praying and sending love to the people who aren't in my life and wishing nothing but love and peace for them. (I'm not there yet with B, but someday-I'm not that generous of heart with him yet.) I don't know why we are so afraid to love people and tell them. 

Jen and I have been friends since 1989. We were roommates freshman year of college, I've loved this girl since I was 18 years old. We have been through marriages, my divorce, miscarriages, babies, love and loss.  She is closer to me than any person on the planet. We are thoroughly entrenched in each others lives. Her husband of 20 years describes me as his second wife, I'm a God mother to one of her sons and to both I'm Aunt Lollie (wally or yayeee actually).  Both her mother and mother in law consider me a daughter, part of both families. Something happened when we turned 40, we do not leave each other without a hug and a kiss and an I love you.  I called Jen to make sure that she was ok with her name in my blog and she laughed, of course it is.  We talked about how in our 20's we are invincible and rely on the unsaid.  That we never think anything will happen, that people know so why should we say it. Or the other side, that we'd be too embarrassed to not hear it back. I'm glad those days are behind me. I'm glad that my heart is so full of people I love and who love me back. I'm grateful that I can tell the people I love just how I feel about them without fear.

If love is this good in my live today, I cannot imagine how much sweeter this will be in 10 years or 20 years.  What I do know for sure is that there is no force on earth that will make me stop loving the way I do, with no expectation of anything back but maybe a hug.