Inner Monologue

After last years Lincoln 1/2 marathon I swore I would never run that far again, ever.  And now it's January and I want a Big Audacious Goal for the year.  I keep thinking of the pressure to work out and prove myself to me by running.  I can't believe it but I'm really considering running the Omaha 1/2 this year. 

I think one of my goals this year is to learn how to love running.  Right now I tolerate it, it's a great means to an end but I don't like it.  I've asked around and with few exceptions it seems to be that  you just learn to like it.  Kellie runs with a great playlist.  Susan runs with audio books.  Brent just runs with his thoughts.  I want to like running. It's expedient, it's inexpensive, it's something you can do regardless of weather, time of day and time of year (if you have a treadmill). 

Maybe what I need to consider is how do I learn to love breathing hard and sweating?  I've never been a fan of being out of control, especially of my body.  That's what happens when you are ordinarily the fattest person in a group,  you must have control (or it's illusion) for some level of comfort.  I don't like running because my body shakes in ways I hate, I cannot control that.  I am out in public and people can see me, I cannot control that (or their reactions yelling out of a car window).  I breathe hard and get very sweaty, and I cannot control that.  And as I'm out doing this thing in public where people can see me I cannot control what I assume they are thinking of me.  Let me say that again. I cannot control what I assume they are thinking of me.

I assume that every person I pass is judging me for jiggling.  I assume that they are making snide comments for the heavy breathing. I know that they are thinking that I am pathetic for my slow, trudging gait in what I call "running".  I know that they are passing these harsh judgments on who I am, what I look like and me in general.  Wow, people suck, at least in my head they do.

What I’m working on is getting over myself.  First, no one probably notices me at all, they are very much in their own lives.  Second, if they do notice me it is in passing.  Third, if they think any of those things then why do I care? Why would I care what anyone who is so nasty would think of me or anyone else.  Finally, it is very arrogant of me to think that anyone even considers me at all, that's on me.  I know once I realized that these are the thoughts in my head when I run, I try to smile at everyone I pass.  When I'm driving and I see someone like me running I send happy thoughts and congratulations to them. 

Being public with working out is hard.  Running is hard. Getting the voices in our heads to be silent is hard.  So tomorrow I'm going to take a step. I'm packing a bag and I'm going to go work out at the gym.  I may run, I may not but either way I'll remind myself that sweat is a badge of honor.  That my heavy breathing is using the lungs that were damaged by the clot over the summer and that the courage to take care of me is all that I need.  And, the Omaha 1/2 is 9 months away.  Who knows, maybe I am brave enough to do it again?

Rear View Mirror-2014

I simultaneously love and hate this time of year.  I'm not a big fan of Christmas, too much commercialism, forced gaiety and sugar-or to use a phrase from my Grandma Gerry, it's a big "to do."

I do love New Years.  It's like a brand new notebook full of creamy empty pages or cracking the spine of a book for the first time.  It's the freshly fallen snow without a footfall breaking the surface, it's all possibility and hope.  I've always tried to take some time to look back at the successes and the learning opportunities from the year.  For 2014 it was about some job stability, some new focuses for the future and fitness. With fitness I did great until July and was sidelined. I ran several 5k's, finished the Lincoln 1/2 marathon and trained for RAGBRAI.  I learned I love cycling and there is nothing better than racing down a hill.  Sidelined with DVT and a Pulmonary Embolism my workout mojo withered on the vine.

I'm disappointed that it took so many months to start to find it again and the old me-the one I broke up with earlier this year-would look at that as a failure.  But I have a new perspective on this journey. I didn't give up, I knew what I lost and thanks to friends and a professional, I am moving forward again with a new fun fitness activity, but that's a different blog post.

In 2014 I embraced being a lifelong learner, this opens so many opportunities.  January will bring me more fitness classes, the 2nd semester getting Master's degree #2, knitting class and a class on Julia Cameron's The Artists Way.  I love looking forward, and I will continue to reframe my life and my intentions.  I'm still working on my intention statement for 2015 but it's starting as: Finish what I started with Monique on 12/29/14.

Monique and I are going down this road together to figure out the path for 2015.  Her intention statement is AWESOME!  Monique will be off High Blood Pressure medicine by 12/31/15.  To get there we have signed a contract for our plan for the year.  This includes monthly goal contracts, weekly goals and leaning on each other as we try and find a new path.

For example, my goal for this past week was: No soda and no processed foods.  I defined processed foods as any packaged food where I don't know what the ingredients are.  Start small seems to be the way we are going to be successful.

I'm excited about this blank page in this new book.  Please be gentle with yourself as you look at the possibilities for 2015.  If you need a reminder to be kind, I'm here for you!

Cheers!

Runner Girl

I'm starting to embrace some titles in my life: professional, student and my new favorite, elite athlete. That was said by the pulmonary doctor when he released me back to the wild.  He referred to me twice as an elite athlete and I just smiled and agreed.

It was nice to get back in the swing of things, to get out and start running again with Monica.  It's funny how quickly you can "lose it" and how hard it seems.  Our first night out we did 2.4 miles and for the first time I was sore after running. Not bad sore but wow, I haven't used these muscles for a while sore. The second night we went we did 2.8 miles. And tonight we had a first. I left a going away party early to run. Monica wasn't feeling well but I kept a date I made with myself.

So when I got home the temptation not to run was great, it was hot and humid out. I'd had a rough day and am exhausted and Monica isn't running.  I was telling myself all of this while I was re-downloading the 10k runner and changing my clothes.  While I was putting my hair in a braid I was telling myself stories about how I should go grab dinner downstairs and not worry about eating the healthy foods I'd prepared on Sunday.  Finally while I was walking out the door and putting my ear buds in I was telling myself that I could do it and that I'm an elite athlete and elite athletes need to go run in the heat.  So I did that instead.

There are times I'm afraid of this journey I'm on. This is all uncharted territory for me.  My family isn't athletic we are, to quote Jim Gaffigan, "indoorsy."  I've never had a burning desire to compete but somehow that fire is lit inside me.  I want to see how far I can go and how fast. At the turn around point in my run I took a mental note of where I turned because next time farther and faster.

Farther
Faster

Robin Williams and Depression

I can't ever say I know what he went through, I can't ever imagine the dark corners in his mind and heart, I can say that I understand sometimes, in the dark of night how suicide seems like the only logical answer, the only way out of the pain.  There is no tomorrow, no hope, no sun only pain.  This isn't the blues, this isn't a bad day, this is a debilitating devastating illness that makes even getting out of bed too much to bear. The balance in your checking account doesn't matter, having someone to love you doesn't matter, nothing matters but the pain. 

I've seen, thank god, nothing but sadness and shock over Robin Williams passing, and I'm there with the millions who mourn this amazing artist.  But what about the 7th grader who is bullied until he sees no other way out? Or the chubby 10th grade girl who is called names over and over until she finds a final escape?  What about the thirty something man who cannot battle his demons anymore?  

I was lucky when I found myself down at the bottom of that hole. As dark as it got, as hurt as I was, as tired of being alive as I was I couldn't do that to my friends and family.  Sometimes, at 2am that's all you have to hold on to.  Until you can find the strength to completely expose your weakness and beg for help. I was lucky, I had people around me who heard me, who were there to help me back to the light.

If you are in pain, if you feel alone, if you are trapped in that hole you are not alone. There are wonderful professionals who are waiting to lean in with a light and help you find sunshine again.  Tell the people you love, be strong enough to ask for help. 

Some resources to consider.

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

http://www.afsp.org/

http://www.thetrevorproject.org/pages/suicide-prevention-resources

PE and DVT

So it's been exactly 3 weeks since my adventures in the hospital. I refused and still do to do more than dip a toe into how serious this was, even an overnight stay in the hospital isn't something I'm willing to dwell on too much.  The nurse at the pulmonoligst's office felt the need to stress to me how often people die from a pulmonary embolism. I have gotten a glimpse of the future, of the woman I'm terrified to be. The woman at the grocery store in the gopher, the woman looking years older than she is, the one who cannot even walk from her car to the store.  This was a gift to me and I can't look at it as anything other than that.

I've learned about me too, that I can ask for help, that I can accept help even when it makes me crazy not to do for myself.  I can embrace the people in my life who hover and worry even though I refuse to acknowledge it.

My path to a healthy, vibrant, happy, strong 90 year old woman starts now, started last year when I trained for the 1/2 marathon, started 5 years ago when I got mixed up with Dr Jen Huberty and www.befitminded.com.  But working out is only one part of my path to 90.

Another part? I am going after Masters Degree #2 this fall at Creighton.  My Grama Gerry always said, of education, "They can't take it away from you." I'm not sure who "they" are, but I always took that very much to heart, education and learning is so important.  I intend, for the rest of my life, to stay curious and to go down those rabbit holes of learning for learnings sake.

Finally I'm going to get back into meditation.  There is no greater gift than this moment we have now.  No greater promise to the future than to breathe the current moment in and out with deliberation.  There is healing in silence, there is healing in breath, there is healing in each of us.

I'm working on my Plan for the future, I can see exactly what I want and although the path may change and shift as time goes on, I know who I want to see when I get there.  My clear brown eyes, smiling face, huge laugh and dancing my way through the days and nights.  What are you doing?

Oh, and in my head, the clot in my lung is a star, guiding me forward and lighting the path ahead, and I still refuse to think about how serious it was.

Repress and Deny

So, one way that I deal with stress is to repress and deny.  This week was no different, I had a sore calf, immediately assigned it as a pulled muscle (although I had no injury), and ignored it. By Wednesday I was swelling in addition to my sore calf, and ignoring my internal instinct that it may be more serious I continued to do my normal daily routine.  Finally my dear friends at work convinced me to go to the doctor, and to my dismay, my diagnosis was deep vein thrombosis. Well, the clot broke off and then caused a Pulmonary Embolism as well. Oh the joy!

So overnight in the hospital I learned a few great things.  In talking to the pulmonary doctor I was able to correct his assumption that I was sedentary. Well, two of my besties, Darcy and Deanna, very quickly corrected him when he suggested that I exercise more.  Darcy pointed out that I am training for RAGBRAI (a bike ride across Iowa totaling 425 miles) and Deanna told him that I ran the Lincoln ½ marathon.  He looked a little surprised and then said, “ok so you are fit and an athlete”. I smiled and said, “yes, yes I am”. Actually what I said in my head was, “don’t let the body fool you I really am an athlete”.

So the doctor prescribed slowing down, five minute walks at a time.  I thought that the doctor was exaggerating but last night I walked up a one block hill that I’ve walked up a hundred times and had to stop and rest at the top. Ok, so the doctor is right, I need to slow down.

The other great thing I learned while over night in the hospital is how far I’ve come in my fitness journey.  I know some of you who follow me on Facebook have heard about my involvement in FitMinded (www.befitminded.com).  Dr. Jennifer Huberty started this program years ago at UNO and I was lucky enough to be in one the sessions led by her.  FitMinded is a program for women, it’s a book club about fitness. Not weight, not food but how women can create the time and urgency to be fit. I’m blessed at this point to be facilitating a Fit Minded session and will be doing another one this fall (get ready to sign up!).  FitMinded gave me the confidence to realize that no matter what I’m doing, moving my body is better for me than sitting on the couch (unless I’m writing my blog post).  FitMinded got me active again. Facilitating FitMinded is what got me to do the Lincoln ½ marathon and commit to RAGBRAI.

So the tie between two blood clots, RAGBRAI and FitMinded was very clear to me in the hospital.  I realized that my main concern when released from the hospital was when I could start riding and running again. How long am I going to be confined to the life I used to lead on my couch?  As you get no sleep in a hospital I had lots of time to think about this and I could clearly see how far I’ve come.  My body may have not changed much but I am strong, strong in my body, strong in my mind. Watching the Echocardiogram and seeing my heart beat strong and regularly I know that being active allowed me to have this strength.  What I learned from FitMinded is that I am strong, I am capable and that this minor little setback will not send me back to the old Michelle, (we broke up, remember?) but I will listen and follow the doctors orders exactly and continue to take care of my health by eventually getting my heart pounding again!

Shoulding all over yourself

I should remove the word should from my vocabulary.  I really should. No good comes from the word should.

There are implications within the word, that somehow what I've chosen or what I'm doing is incorrect, for example instead of enjoying this birthday cake I should have just walked by.  Or instead of enjoying skyping with a friend I should be writing a blog post.  I should have brought my laptop home instead of riding my bike and enjoying the CWS.  I automatically dread whatever it is that I should do and it adds guilt to what it is that I shouldn't be doing or at the very least the thing I am doing loses  some of its shine.

Technically the word should means (from shall) to plan to.  I don't mind having plans, anyone who knows me knows that it's Plan though, not plan.  I learned that from my Granfur, that was his phrasing in looking at anything interesting, "What's the Plan?" I like that better.  A Plan implies choices and deciding on a course of action instead of constantly worrying about a different decision.

So how to reframe things.  I choose, tonight, to ride my bike.  Here comes another should-I should have gone further than 10 miles.  I swear this voice is killing me.  Back to reframing.  I choose a short ride on my bike knowing that there is no food in my house (no shock) and I will need to cook dinner. I could have chosen a longer ride, but I do not like to eat late so I need to be home by 7.  So even in the midst of trying to reframe not bringing my laptop home I hit myself with another should.  Very sneaky!

I've heard awareness is the key to change.  I'm trying to be very aware of shoulding on myself and instead, take a breath, reframe what I'm doing into the Plan and look forward.

How about you? Do you should on yourself? How can we better embrace where we are?