Inner Monologue

After last years Lincoln 1/2 marathon I swore I would never run that far again, ever.  And now it's January and I want a Big Audacious Goal for the year.  I keep thinking of the pressure to work out and prove myself to me by running.  I can't believe it but I'm really considering running the Omaha 1/2 this year. 

I think one of my goals this year is to learn how to love running.  Right now I tolerate it, it's a great means to an end but I don't like it.  I've asked around and with few exceptions it seems to be that  you just learn to like it.  Kellie runs with a great playlist.  Susan runs with audio books.  Brent just runs with his thoughts.  I want to like running. It's expedient, it's inexpensive, it's something you can do regardless of weather, time of day and time of year (if you have a treadmill). 

Maybe what I need to consider is how do I learn to love breathing hard and sweating?  I've never been a fan of being out of control, especially of my body.  That's what happens when you are ordinarily the fattest person in a group,  you must have control (or it's illusion) for some level of comfort.  I don't like running because my body shakes in ways I hate, I cannot control that.  I am out in public and people can see me, I cannot control that (or their reactions yelling out of a car window).  I breathe hard and get very sweaty, and I cannot control that.  And as I'm out doing this thing in public where people can see me I cannot control what I assume they are thinking of me.  Let me say that again. I cannot control what I assume they are thinking of me.

I assume that every person I pass is judging me for jiggling.  I assume that they are making snide comments for the heavy breathing. I know that they are thinking that I am pathetic for my slow, trudging gait in what I call "running".  I know that they are passing these harsh judgments on who I am, what I look like and me in general.  Wow, people suck, at least in my head they do.

What I’m working on is getting over myself.  First, no one probably notices me at all, they are very much in their own lives.  Second, if they do notice me it is in passing.  Third, if they think any of those things then why do I care? Why would I care what anyone who is so nasty would think of me or anyone else.  Finally, it is very arrogant of me to think that anyone even considers me at all, that's on me.  I know once I realized that these are the thoughts in my head when I run, I try to smile at everyone I pass.  When I'm driving and I see someone like me running I send happy thoughts and congratulations to them. 

Being public with working out is hard.  Running is hard. Getting the voices in our heads to be silent is hard.  So tomorrow I'm going to take a step. I'm packing a bag and I'm going to go work out at the gym.  I may run, I may not but either way I'll remind myself that sweat is a badge of honor.  That my heavy breathing is using the lungs that were damaged by the clot over the summer and that the courage to take care of me is all that I need.  And, the Omaha 1/2 is 9 months away.  Who knows, maybe I am brave enough to do it again?