I can't

I was working out with Heather on Saturday (which I love) and we'd talked about doing the step ups on to one of the benches that they have in the free weights side of the gym and my only and first reaction was "I can't." Yes the bench is about two stairs high and yes I am clumsy but I shut it down without even trying.  But what was different this time was that I caught myself, I caught the "I can't" and stopped myself.  What I have to do is to stop, just stop it.  I can do things, I can dead lift 60 lbs, I can do over 100 lbs on the hip sled. I am very strong and that's the thought I had when I started doing step ups. I didn't jump them, but maybe someday. For now, for today I just stepped.

I think I'm ruled by I can't.  I know when the depression was in full force and really kicking my butt I can't was a standard answer when I could be bothered to answer at all.  I can't go out, I can't get up, I can't shower today, I can't cook, I can't talk about it, I can't...l can't...I can't. And then one day, when things start to re-balance it changes to maybe I can, maybe.  This isn't an immediate fix, which for a person who wants immediate gratification is painful, but is a process.  I've been in this process for months now, February was a long time ago in the blistering heat of August, but I'm making progress. For a long time I was paying lip service to the idea of baby steps but it's true, one foot in front of the other and eventually you can look up and see how far you've come.

I find it interesting that all of the sudden there are all these articles on Celebrity and depression, maybe it's like when you buy a car and suddenly everyone has that car? While it does not justify my depression, celebrities do tend to open the conversation to a broader audience.  And come on, if Ellen Degeneres suffers from Depression then it legitimizes me a little bit.  She has a wonderful life (on the outside), is very wealthy, married to a beautiful woman, has a crazy successful career and is friends with Jennifer Aniston.  Come on!  This is a chemical thing this isn't a personal thing, this isn't embarrassing or something to hide. 

So back to the idea of I can't.  There is a limited number of things that I can't do. I can't be a prima ballerina, I can't be an astronaut, I can't pilot a plane.  Too old, not smart enough and I get airsick.  And I’m ok with those can'ts but there are a few other can'ts that I'm fighting against. I can't possibly get published, I can't do a poetry reading, I can't start coaching people in life, I can't.  Unlike the other career choices, these can'ts are fear screaming out at me and that triggers some sadness, not depression but just sadness.  These self limiting beliefs, these can'ts stop me from dreaming. 

The first step then for me is to acknowledge my dreams, to catch the I can't and re-frame it to smaller steps.  I'm still sad I tried limiting myself, and I’m so scared saying this out loud but that's what makes some dreamers different, we say it out loud. 

What dreams do you need to say out loud?