Breakups suck. There's no other way around it. If you put
yourself out there you stand a good chance of getting your heart trampled
on. It's part of what makes us human,
the willingness to go after love time and time again. I'm so far from the only person who's been
through heartache that it's laughable.
If you haven't been through heartache either you are lying or you
haven't put yourself out there and that's a whole other kind of
heartbreak.
There are two
schools of thought after something like this, well truthfully there are as many
schools of thought as there are people but, to me, two of the more popular ones
are summarized by either Simon and Garfunkel or Tennyson. Simon and Garfunkel declared it's best to be
a rock, to be an island--and a rock feels no pain and an Island never
cries. Alfred Lord Tennyson said it's
better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I tend to be
more of the Tennyson camp, that it's worth the pain to have had this most human
experience. That being said, I do get
the point of the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, sometimes it feels like just forgetting the whole thing seems easiest.
Just because the
romantic love in my life is gone and B has moved on to another, I already know that someday I will be grateful that I got to love him, and I got to be loved in return. But love is bigger than just romance, and
this is what the blog this week is really about, all the other sources of love
in my life who have stepped in for me and who overwhelm me with the love and
kindness and worry and plots of swift and blinding violence.
I have been reminded
more than once in the past 2 weeks, and really with all the stuff since
February that I am blessed to be surrounded by amazing, beautiful, courageous
people who really do love me. Some
friends are new, and I'm excited at the chance to get to know new people, hear
new stories. Some friends are older and
know the full history with B and are in this with me through thick and thin.
They know how to support me, kick me in gear when I need it and will just let
me sit and be quiet if that's what I need.
I have friends who grill me like I'm under indictment trying to help me
figure out the mystery of why. I am surrounded at work by people who make sure
that I've eaten recently and that I take a break or walk during the day. I have friends whose knee jerk reaction is
baseball bats, burying the body and an alibi.
I have friends who are coordinating the removal of my things from Kansas
City and returning them home to me. I
have friends who have no idea what to do with me when I’m this sad so they
steer clear. And that's ok too. I don't
know what to do with me when I'm like this, I’m not used to crying at the drop
of a hat or at seeing a forgotten picture stuck in a drawer. And that's the hard part, I don't know what
will help.
So I go back to
gratitude. I'm grateful that B waited
until my depression was reigned back in before he dumped me, this could have
been so much worse if he did this months ago.
However he is still an asshat who deserves whatever comes to him. Mostly I'm grateful that I am surrounded by
so many people who genuinely love me, who hurt as much as I do about this.
People who want me to come through this stronger and to find the right guy, the
one who deserves me. I was hesitant to
discuss any of this publicly. I can hear the voices in my head of various
people in my life telling me that I'm being dramatic or that these things
aren't discussed in public, but they aren't me.
They don't know what I now know for certain. The best way that anyone can move forward is
to tell the truth about what's going on.
This openness, this honesty, this freaking vulnerability is what makes
us stronger. It's not pretending that we are invincible, it's proving that if
you cut me, I will bleed. If you hurt me I will cry. If you leave me I will
scar.
But these people I
love hold me up, they make me strong.
Thank you for being there in any way you have been. If it's been a hug,
a phone call, a text, a funny email, a posting or a like on my facebook,
anything and everything makes this a bit more bearable. This journey we are on together, it's going to be interesting.
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