All Powerful

I have to start with how humbled I am by the outpouring of love and support I've gotten this week.  While yes, I do tend to share a lot of my life, the choice was made to keep our relationship off Facebook.  After the 2 years together, we weren't even Facebook friends.  (Bitter aside, I bet he's friends with Candi with a fucking "i".)

I have had the honor this week to actually feel the feels as my friend Amy says. I've been very angry and hurt. I've been sad and wounded and I've spent time with people who truly love me and know how to take care of me.  I will be honest, feeling the feelings fucking sucks.  I won't sugar coat it, and blah, blah, blah the universe has other plans. Whatever, there is someone out there better. Fine, I will be better off. But right now it sucks. 

I'm blessed to have people, near and far, who love me and are sending funny notes, meme's, texts and just hovering around making sure I'm eating and sleeping. I'm proud to say that I made it to work every day this week, relatively on time and unless you were friends with me on Facebook, no one knew anything was wrong.  That is a victory.  I'm taking the time I need, I'm working out and running and just telling the truth to anyone who asks.  If you ask how I am I will tell you. Special love to the counter girl at Ted and Wally's tonight.  She asked how  I was so I told her, kinda crappy, my boyfriend of 2 years dumped me on Monday.  That got me a hug and a free cone. Bless that girl!

That's what I'm staggered by, this idea of being vulnerable and telling the truth doesn't mean I'm pitied, it means I'm supported, people want to reach out.  And for that I'm grateful, and you should all be glad that I'm grateful because I learned today from my friend Monica that I am all powerful.

Monica and I had a great walk this morning, 6 miles out at Chalco on this beautiful sunny day. I knew that walking with Monica today would involve a heart to heart discussion because that's what we do on the trail, we solve the problems in our world.  I have had several realizations this week that Monica helped me to see clearly. One is that men I love leave me and blame me for it.  All parting shots that blame me for leaving, from my father to my ex husband to this asshat, all of them blame me as they are walking out the door.  And I take it on, I take it personally and do whatever I can to make them stay.  My dad and I have worked this out, my ex husband and I have worked all of this out and all I can do with asshat is to let him go. I wasn't solely to blame for his weakness and lack of personal responsibility. 

But then again, Monica pointed out that if I am taking all the responsibility for this and if I've done the things that I was accused of then I am all powerful in the universe because I stop men from having any power to make their own decisions and have their own lives.  These men in my life bend to my will.  Interesting. Be careful everyone, I apparently run it all. 

So a little drunk with power here and I decree that Tuesday is no pants day. From now on anti-aging products are to be considered medically necessary and most important Nathan Fillion is mine.  Nathan I will expect you in Omaha by Friday.

This week has been so hard and while constant rumination eventually won't help. I think I'll live in my head for a few more days at least.  

Remember, people who truly care about you will help if you need to fall apart for just a minute or hour or week.