Law of Attraction (part 1)

I went to see Psychic Andy (andymyersonline.com) a few weeks ago for a one on one session and among other things, he referred to me as a radio antennae.  Let me explain; he said that whatever I put out there I will get back and then some.  I have to be careful of the thoughts that I put out in the world because I shape my own world and being intuitive I manifest my world very specifically and much easier than most.  He asked me if I've ever not gotten something I've really wanted.  Um, no-generally things work out for me. Sometimes not in the way I'd originally planned, but I don't have many regrets and there is virtually nothing I wish would have worked out differently.

Last year at this time I was planning for a move to KC or for having someone I love move in with me, I certainly didn't think I'd be single again. But as I look back at my relationship with some perspective and not reeling from broken heartedness and rage I can see that B was never going to be enough for me.  I talked to a few people we know in common who wondered what I was doing with him, wondering what I'd seen in him to start with.  It goes back to what Psychic Andy said months ago, I don't have to be the mother, life coach and financier in my relationships.  If I'm totally, brutally honest (and when am I not) I didn't get much back from him. I thought I wanted him forever and ever amen, but looking at what I really want in a partner and husband it isn't someone I have to take care of.  From this I'll get closure and an open heart for the, so far uncast, Mr Wonderful.  So if I was manifesting what I really want in a partner, it makes sense that B and I broke up, he wasn't what I really wanted.  He was a last gasp into who I was, not who I want to be.  It's taken me these six months of crying, honesty, sleepless nights, talking, writing, more crying and more talking to realize that I don't have to settle for someone who didn't feel like enough. I shouldn't like someone who liked me first, I shouldn't have to work at liking someone back.  It's ok to say no thank you.

Since talking to Andy I've been bombarded by opportunities to learn about the Law of Attraction and how our personal vibrations bring us the things we seek, both the positive things and the negative things.  I've been thinking about this a lot in the past two weeks.  I want to get specific for what I'm looking for and who I'm looking for.  Right now my list for Mr Wonderful has four things: 1. Financially Independent and Secure 2. Tall 3. Funny and 4. I'd like someone who wears a suit to work-I've never had that before…seems like it may be fun.  This is only one of the lists, I'm working on a vision board for what I want my full life to look like but as things work with the Law, it's not how you get there-that's trust. It's all about being very clear about what I do want my life to look like, about finding things that resonate with me and then acting as if they are already mine. Again I'm trying to be very thoughtful with this and very specific on what I want.  Part of this, for me, is introducing a few mantras (they come in handy when I’m running and I get bored which is always) like I'm a rockstar poet and I'm overwhelmed with gratitude for the abundance in my life.

The critic who lives in my head (who's voice shall remain uncredited) is totally rolling their eyes, they think this is all crap. And that's fine. As I continue to explore this idea part of the overall goal is to get rid of the critic, get rid of the person sending the negative vibes out there to begin with.  All of the can'ts, won'ts, shouldn'ts and I told you so's in my life, this voice needs to be quieted and only I can do that. 

Only I can do that…so what are you trying to attract? How are you trying to attract it?

Directional Variations and a Compass

I was at an interesting seminar today that's going to stick with me for a while, (more on that some other day), but when I was there I had a thought about chaining direction.  Most of us, when we are dissatisfied with our lot in life, frankly, don't do anything at all, we stay in it--go with the devil you know and all. But some of us will do something drastic, sell the house, get divorced, move all the way across country, get surgery, take a lover (I've always wanted to use that phrase) or quit our job. But what if we realized that to truly make a massive, drastic change all you have to do is make a minor modifications and move forward.

I've been trying to Google the math on this, I know I read somewhere that a tiny error in an angle can have catastrophic impacts. And thinking about it, if you move an angle out by .1 degrees by the time it reaches the moon the angle is hundreds of miles off course (or millions, I'm a poet not a scientist). Even closer to home, imagine a compass that isn't truly calibrated right and you are using that to wander in the forest, a slight error in North will send you miles in the wrong direction. 

Confused? This is why I'm not a scientist.  Here's what I'm really saying, if I want things to be different then I have to be different. It doesn't have to be huge giant changes like leaving life behind, it can be small targeted changes. I've made some simple but significant changes lately. I've started following people who inspire me on Facebook, I try to repost things that sing to my heart, I've given up my snooze button in the mornings (I cannot stress how huge this one is despite it being small).   I stopped eating dairy (not sure why I gave it up but it makes skipping ice cream easier), I have my groceries delivered to my house-this way there's no impulse shopping and nothing in the house that isn't good for me.  I am trying to honor my gut and my heart with what's best for me.  But what's best for me isn't always easy.  It's removing people from my life who are toxic, it's honoring my time and only putting it towards things I want to do and that serve my dream or my heart, it's eating more vegetables and less processed foods.  It's moving more and sitting less.  It's having the grace to walk away when something or someone doesn’t quite fit for me.

When I look behind me I don't see a massive shift like uprooting my whole life would do, the path looks almost the same, but I'm counting on the magic of math to prove to me that slight variations in the angle will result in a massive course shift in the future.  This isn't me saying that I'm flying blind here, I have a very specific picture of what I want the future to look like, this is me trusting that the small changes will add up to something spectacular.  I was trying to type something about missing the target but still getting the landing or something but the truth is that if I make the small changes consistently and adapt as I go along, I cannot miss the mark because the mark will change with me.  Huh, I'm pretty profound tonight.

Is there one small thing you can do to step towards your dreams?

Expectations Will Get You

Life can be very hard, it can be complicated.  Even just normal day to day living can cause stress and problems in just existing.  Then on top of that there are the expectations that we set on ourselves and others. Expectations are very, very dangerous.  I learned years ago not to have expectations of certain people in my life, to let the bar sit low so that I am protected and my feelings are saved. It seems harsh to my own heart to say that, to not have expectations but experience is the best teacher. What that really means is that I have so little feelings about the situation that I don't get emotionally invested. Again, self preservation at it's finest. 

This works for me, I know who I can count on and who I need to just let go of, just go with the flow.  What worries me about some people I know are the devastating consequences that they wreak by unrealistic and unspoken expectations of everyone and everything around them.  This is the gotcha, someone has a huge picture in their head of how a day will go or a situation and they don’t share what that should look like so they are crushed by the outcome. This outcome that couldn’t possibly ever meet the picture they have in their head and worse they didn't tell anyone about it so there's no way anyone could have ever acted the way they expected.  Confused? I was too but it suddenly was clear, these hidden expectations were ruining a day-interfering with relationships. That's what made me look so closely at my own heart when it comes to expectation.

I expect when people tell me that they want things to be different with a partner, a job or themselves that they are going to do the work necessary to follow through with it.  It's been six months since my heart was broken and I can already feel the pieces fused back together, I know I am stronger and well on the road back to myself.  What does this have to do with expectation? My ex talked a big game about promotions at work and wanting to go further and do new things, but at the end of the day he never changed anything to make that happen.  He talked a lot about trying a new career and moving to Omaha to be with me.  He talked about a lot of things, but there was never any change.  As I get further and further from him I am realizing that he did me a favor.  I had expectations of him, mostly that he'd work towards his dreams and not just give them lip service. Even if he'd come here I think he was always going to be the guy who wanted to do things, and never the guy who did things.  And that makes me sad for him and relived for me. I want someone who wants to reach for more, like I do.

Please, please, for the sake of relationships and your own heart, when you have expectations of someone or yourself, then please tell them.  When someone doesn't meet your expectation, have you told them what you wanted?  This becomes especially timely to me on Valentine's day. Right now there is a couple fighting or someone is angry because they didn’t get the gift or didn't get treated as they expected today.  Too often these people said don't make a fuss for Valentine's day or don't get me anything. Their poor partner believed them and chaos ensued. 

I have some high expectations for myself and this year.  And so far I've managed to keep my word to myself.  I go to bed half the nights sore and exhausted.  I am eating to treat my body the way it deserves and not just what's easiest and fastest.  And unlike some other people I am speaking these intentions loud and proud.  This is what I expect from me. 

45lb Plate

One of the original things that inspired me to blog post was almost 2 years ago, I was running and an idiot shouted something out of a window at me in his car. (click here if you want to re-read Hate at 35mph) I've been thinking about that a lot this week after my workout on Tuesday.  Despite the snow situation here in Omaha I went and worked out on Tuesday after work. Ok, full disclosure my very nice gym is in my condo building and although I had to go outside, I didn't have to set foot in snow or move out from under our awning, so not that much  of a miracle to go work out. 

My gym is like so many small gyms out there, it's got the normal machines and weights and then what my friend Heather and I call the "boy" section of the gym, the more intimidating free weights and plated machine part of the gym.  Well that’s where my trainer wants me to work out so I do it, again there is a countdown to October 1 coming up after all!

On Tuesday these to gentlemen were screwing around with a Hammer shoulder press machine I wanted to use so I moved on to something else, keeping an eye on my machine.  Finally I thought they were done so I moved the 45lb plate down on one side and was moving to the other side for my turn on the shoulder press.  One of the men interrupted me with sorry, we aren't done. I apologized and put the 45lb weight back on the machine.  He stopped, and said: Girl, did you really just throw that 45lb weight around like it weighed nothing?  I laughed and told him that it takes strength to be me. He said: throwing that around like that just made me look like a pussy. I laughed again and moved to another machine.

I caught him watching me a couple of times when I was on a few other machines, it felt like he was taking measure of me, was I really as strong as I said.  I was flattered and just laughed when he was watching me. Hell yea I'm that strong.  Hell yea I do work out on this side.  I saw him a few other times last week and he always gave me a nod.  It's funny thinking about both situations, the jackass who yelled out a window and the fellow gym goer and his respect.  He will never know how much his comment meant to me, he will never know how much taller I stood or how much more I felt like I fit in at the gym thanks to him.

I hope I see him again this week, I hope he sees that I may be slower or not a super model but I'm there day after day doing my best.  I hope that I can see that in me too, that I'm doing my best.  That's all anyone can do-whatever their best may be-what more could we want? 

Conceding

There are things each of us do very well in our lives, we manage people, families, projects. We excel at crafts or cooking or driving or organizing peoples lives. We are second to none when it comes to being a healer or fixing cars or making things.  I know that I am a good cook, I am very good at taking care of the people I love. I enjoy working and building teams. I'm pretty good with words and I've loved reconnecting with my inner poet. I love very easily, I laugh very hard and I fail spectacularly.  I work very hard to keep my heart open even when it's been broken.  I am fiercely competitive and I do tell a good story and I love making people laugh.  However, I am horrible when it comes asking anyone for help. 

This weekend I was really sick with a migraine and I contemplated asking someone to take me to urgent care at about 11 in the morning, but stupidly I talked myself out of being that sick until 4pm when I was totally dehydrated and shaky.  Stupidly I waited because I didn't want to be a bother.  And it was stupid, I stayed in pain for 5 hours I didn't need to because of my dumb pride. I met with an executive coach a couple years ago and after a sucker punch from her you'd think I'd be better at asking. I was specifically meeting with her to get help with asking people to help me.  She asked me some questions about helping, why did I enjoy helping people.  And it's easy to answer, I like to be helpful, I like to make people's lives a bit easier. I like to help.  She looked at me straight in the eye and asked why then, if I got so much joy out of helping other people why would I be a martyr and never ask for help?

I sat in stunned silence for more than a minute. I had no defense. It was a fair question and led to more. Do I think I am the only person capable of helping anyone? If I love my family and friends as much as I do and if I'd drop everything to help them no matter what, then why wouldn’t I allow someone to do that for me? Why would I deny the people I love the opportunity to feel like I do when I can be useful to someone I love? So despite my waiting on Saturday to call I am getting better at asking for help.  I'm not great at it, I don't know that I'll ever be able to ask for help quickly.  My fear is that I'd become one of those  people who suck the life out of their friends and are incapable of doing anything on their own. 

I know, I'm a person of extremes.  Not being able to ask my best friend to drive me to urgent care somehow translates to asking everyone around me to do everything for me and losing all my friends.  So I'm conceding, I suck at asking for help and will work on that. I will work on the idea that asking for help won't make me like those soul sucking people who can do nothing for themselves.  So there it is, my Achilles heel or my kryptonite is asking for help, I'll work on it.  What's yours? What is the one thing you can't seem to do that's easier for everyone else?

Countdown to October

I have a wonderful, dear, sweet, beautiful friend who's floored me this week by asking me to be her maid of honor. I'm thrilled and excited and so happy to be involved in helping her with the wedding.  The only daunting thing is the freaking dress.  I don't know the other bridesmaids yet but in my head they are Gisele, Naomi, Claudia and Elle (check your super model knowledge people).  I'm much more in the Melissa McCarthy, Rikki Lake or the fat one from Wilson Phillips genre.  It's daunting and terrifying so I did what any sane and rational person would do this week when she asked me, I immediately made a countdown calendar and started keeping track of the days that I was working out. For the record, as of today there are 251 days to the wedding. Something about this wedding, this time in my life, that I'm taking very seriously-I'm hoping that the forward momentum I have will carry me through.

So far I've worked out 4 days in a row and with the help of a great trainer I’m staying focused.  My trainer, Laura, is inspirational, funny, sweet and so kind.  But she's Canadian and so when I swear at her I feel pretty guilty at how nice she is back at me.  However that doesn't stop me from flipping her off at every chance.  I also had another friend text me about trying a retro aerobics class this morning. I have to tell you that it was a total riot.  Doing the grapevine, the box step, all kinds of moves I remember from the early 90's.  And just like back then I got confused and had to stop and laugh! 

At Laura's request I got on the scale today for the first time in over a year and I was not pleased with the number, but it's just a number-that was the mantra today, just a number.  It's a good way to measure progress I suppose although the thought of getting on a scale again weekly bothers me. We are so ruled by those stupid little numbers.  In my head and heart I keep telling myself that it's only one way to measure progress. I keep saying that muscle weighs more than fat, that the fact that my pants size hasn't changed in two years and frankly are fitting better these days, and ultimately it doesn't make any difference if I weigh 450lbs or 120lbs, I'm still just me. I'm reminded of a meme I saw on Facebook a few years back. 

This is the vital part of the message, who I am has nothing to do with what I look like. I was reminded of that today by my sweet brother Bob. I mentioned some of my concerns to him about the maid of honor thing and he was lightning fast to remind me that no matter what I am beloved. I want to share this message with all, it is only a number, it isn't your self worth and your value of as a person. How and why you are valued as a person is entirely personal to you and who you are.  The idea of someone's value is completely subjective. My friends and family have untold value because they matter to me, but plenty of people don't care at all about the same people-that is only because they don't know them at all.  But that's how value works, what and how do I value things, especially myself.  What an interesting journey we are going to take.

I'm currently reading The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown, PhD, LMSW and I have two ideas for blogs coming up, I highly recommend taking a look, it's a great and thought provoking book.  Book club anyone?

Transitions and goals

With starting something new I tend to spend time trying to find some way to make some other changes in my life.  When I started at MFS Intelenet a million years ago I decided to stop being afraid to speak in front of groups and I decided to be more of who my family knew me as; sarcastic, funny and a storyteller.  That decision changed the course of my whole life. I met some people I still keep in touch with today, I found a long time friend who I lived with for years and I eventually ended up changing careers into training and development.

I've spent today getting things cleaned up in the house and getting ready for the week and thinking about making more changes. I am finally getting over being sick so it's time to hit the gym again. Maybe I embrace what the pulmonologist said and act like an athlete. I cooked heathy foods today that were heavy on the veggies, I packed a gym bag to potentially try out a new gym this week to add to my other gym. I want to be able to take classes if the mood strikes, that and one of my favorite people to work out with belongs not far from where I work.

I've not always set goals with working out, but I get to be in a wedding this fall and I will not be the fat girl AGAIN. I'm done with that. I don't mind being curvy, but I'm done not being able to shop where I want to whenever I want to. But mostly I'm intimidated by the thought of being a bridesmaid at my advanced age, at wearing a matching dress with tall gorgeous thin women makes me ill.  So now I have a goal, I have a picture in my head of what I want to look like this fall.  I learned a long time ago that the scale is a number and an inaccurate number of what you are actually made of.  In college I was weighed underwater which shows what you'd weigh at zero body fat.  According to that I'm still overweight, at ZERO body fat.  We have all heard the stories of the wrestlers or gymnasts who are considered obese because their body fat is so low and they are so much muscle.

I'm lucky that at 18 I learned that I am not a number on a scale, now mind you it took until about 2 years ago for me to throw a scale away, but it's all progress.  I plan to to measure my success by how I feel and how my clothes fit, by being able to increase weights at the gym and by eventually running faster.  I want to measure how I'm doing by my standards, not by a scale.  On that note I challenge all of you to taking a stand at the doctors office. I decided a year ago that I was not going to get on their scale again unless it's pertinent to why I'm there. I'm sorry medical professionals but there is nothing weight related in an ear infection or a migraine.  It's freeing to say no and refuse to get on that scale.  Give it a try!