Risk Worthy Behavior

I've realized in the past week how much I rely on the people in my life whom I truly, completely trust to let me process things out loud.  I've had a rough 2015-I originally typed horrid but that's melodramatic even for me. It's been an emotional sucker punch of a year and it's ending just as painfully as it has been in the past 6 months. 

At least when B left me, he just walked away, there were no hate filled barbs, there was no vile words I'd have to recover from, very little blame, he just vanished. Not so with all the relationships I lost this year, and that's ok too.  Somehow being spoken to like I'm the most vile, disgusting, hated person in the world is easier to recover from than a betrayal by the man you love.  Mind you this latest heartbreak wasn't a romantic relationship, but losing people is just hard all around.  And frankly when B left me it was shocking, the other not so much, I was kinda expecting it.  I mention this to do a mini year in review and to honor the gallons of tears I've shed, the boxes of tissues I've spent and the sleepless nights replaying conversations over and over and over hoping for insight into someone else.  But the conversations I have inside my head don’t yield the same results as actually talking to someone I trust. 

I have a circle of people who I can talk to about what's going on. They know (or know of) all the players and can offer silence, guidance, reassurance or camaraderie with what's going on.  I was talking to a friend at work last week about this latest thing and I realized that I have fallen into the stereotype that goes with women, we talk and talk and talk about things. That made me smile, that I get why we do it, I get why we are so compelled to talk things through. Or at least I get why I do it. I really want to understand why something happened, it's a flaw of mine. I want to get to the why.  And I've learned that's not always possible.

When I was in therapy for the rape and subsequent PTSD I learned that sometimes shitty things just happen, there is no rhyme, no reason, no greater cause. It's just part of being a vulnerable human being. It's part of just existing and with getting your heart broken it's part of being willing to be open and love someone.  The risk that if you do they will let you down, they will betray you, they will go crazy and hate you, it's all a risk with opening your heart. And, to me, it's worth the risk. I don't care how many times I get heart stomped on, I don't care how many tears I cry, ultimately love is worth it.  I don't want to look back and see that I've closed myself off, that I've hidden or apologized for being who I am, that's the ultimate betrayal-denying who I really am.  That's what I really learned in the past few months, I have managed to surround myself with loving, kind, generous, tough, smart, funny, (did I mention loving?), insightful, amazing people.  These people in my tribe know who I really am, they don't see me and fill me with their expectations of who I should be or (more importantly) who I used to be, they take the time to know me, to know my heart. A small shout out seems timely but I don't want to forget anyone so if you think I'm talking about you, I am, and I love you!

So in this journey of healing I've found out more and more about who I am and where I want to go, step by step.  I am truly looking at all forms of fitness here, spiritual, nutritional, physical, emotional and even my career.  I am focused on eating right, working out, sleeping as I need to, writing poetry and journaling and talking to those I love.  And as I'm sitting here, watching some lovely children I realize that this is exactly as it should be, love completely and with your whole heart, it's worth the risk.