Healing tides

There is just something about the ocean, the grandeur, the vastness, the consistency and reliability of the water makes me breathe a little bit easier.  I'm in North Carolina this weekend for my sister's birthday and my youngest brother's college graduation but I'm here for me too. I'm here to let the sand and waves I love so much try and heal some small part of me. Maybe the vast waves crashing all the way from Europe or Africa does it or the tiny pieces of sand that are just shattered shells worn smooth let me see how the small scattered parts of ourselves can come together to make something new if we can just let go a little and breathe and trust. I know I'll never be the same for having loved B or anyone else.  That kind of cellular connection alters who you are. It's like Pandora and her box, once it's opened there's no going back. You are changed. My hope is that it is always for the good and for making me a better, kinder person. Love does that, love makes us our best selves. When that best self, the one you thought would be loved forever is rejected your very foundation can be shattered like that shell that is eventually turned to sand with pieces scattered everywhere. Think about the task of making a shell whole again finding each tiny miniature part again. But what if, instead of finding each exact piece you tried new ones replacing the missing with art and poetry and song.

But that's a hard thing to do too, parts of me are changing with no warning to some people around me and that can be shocking too.  It's hard to stand up for who you are and who you want to be when everyone around is still playing the same old reindeer games. Sometimes it feels like making any change is pushing back against something and someone. But where I am, staying still and not allowing this change won't work for me either. The phrase turn the other cheek pops into my mind. Jesus acknowledged turning the other cheek, we are taught to go the extra mile for someone who hurts us or pray for people instead of resisting. Martin Luther King tells us: darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that. So while I do what is necessary for my self preservation I pray, I send love into the universe and I let the ocean move around me, softening my edges.