I’m starting to feel
like part of me owes B an apology. I
have said, more than once, at some point over the last 2 months that I was
sorry I ever loved him. That's not true. I will never be sorry for giving
myself to someone wholly and completely. I don't operate in halves. I don't
love by half either and my hope with getting through this is that I never will,
that my heart will always stay open.
Right now there is a
song out by Gwen Stefani that hits home with me to my core, it is an amazing song. The lines that ring with me right now are:
I
don't know why I cry
But
I think it's cause I remembered for the first time
Since
I hated you
That
I used to love you
I'm not at the point
that I used to love him, I still do love him but it gets smaller and smaller
every day. I’m learning how to let that go.
I'm happy to have gotten the chance to love, I'm still sad, I'm still so
hurt but maybe some anger is dissipating, maybe I'm opening up myself to
something, to someone more. Someone more
my equal, someone who can get me, someone who can really love me, someone brave
enough to love me back for who I am.
Well, once I figure out who I am exactly.
Thinking in this
direction will lead, inevitably, to my dating again at some point. I'm starting
to hear about wonderful dating stories (only slight sarcasm there). I was at
dinner a few weeks ago with my friend Kevin.
He is amazing and so funny. We were talking about dating-not each other
mind you (our tastes in men is similar though) and he told a wonderful story
about going out to dinner with a gentleman suitor. This particular evening Kevin was happy to be
out with a friend. They had been trying for some time to make plans. It was a nice dinner and Kevin didn't think
twice about it. Later, from a mutual
friend he realized he was on a date-he didn't know that at the time. Other than
making me laugh, this got me thinking about dating in the world of swiping and
subtlety.
Honestly I am torn
about the idea of eventually dating like that again. My personal hope is that I
can post my own dating profile on Facebook and my blog and you guys can go find
Mr Wonderful for me. But today I'm feeling
a little different. Today I want to go have wine with someone I don’t intend to
build a relationship with but someone I can laugh with a little and maybe trade
a few lies. I want to be reckless and
bold and reclaim parts of myself just for me. I want to kiss someone in my
elevator and go back to the old days of playing baseball. I don't want forever
I just want right now. I want the last
person I kissed to not have been B. He
doesn't deserve that.
And this leads to
another fun thought that Kevin and I discussed.
With B leaving, I get to have first kisses again, those awkward, funny,
uncomfortable, magical moments when we decide we like someone. Or that someone is suitable for right
now. I've been writing a lot of poetry
lately about grieving and breakups and what to do and not do when faced with
this situation and there are no right and wrong answers. Every decision is
based, for me, on what will I not regret in six months.
But for now, for
this minute I am going to remember that I loved him, he loved me and I'm lucky
that I can feel those things. Someday I
will find someone else who will appreciate me and my love and will deserve what
I have to give. I end one of my poems:
Not everyone can love enough to be pulled apart at the leaving. That's where I'm trying to find gratitude, I
can love that much, that I can be pulled apart when I'm left.
And unlike Kevin, I
hope that when I'm on a date I know it! And at the very least I will have a few
good stories and some laughs.
If you want to listen to the Gwen Stefani song the link is here:
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