I am enough

It's been an interesting journey the past few months, and interesting is being kind. I talked to Mike last night about this feeling of sadness, this sneaky quiet feeling of emptiness and loneliness.  Mike asked me a question about how this feels, does this feel any better or different.  Let me just warn you that being best friends with a journalist is painful.  Mike always knows what to ask and because he knows me, he knows exactly how to ask. 

When your heart is first broken, when the feelings are raw and you are still reeling from the betrayal and disappointment it is overwhelming and sharp and constant.  And then suddenly it isn't constant and it's a bit duller.  You realize you can get up and start to handle life again and maybe you feel a little cocky. I've got this you think, I did this the right way and now it's done and as you are patting yourself on the back for doing so well, you get sucker punched again. FREAKING AGAIN.

I don't know why it hit me so hard this week, I don't understand what happened to bring it all down around me again. It's not like when he first broke us up, it's not so sharp, it's more dull waves that come and go.  There are reminders and I still flip off Kansas drivers whenever I see them, but it's different.  Tom pointed out that I’m living in it-not dwelling but living in it.  I am willing to talk, I'm willing to be honest and talk about how much this all hurts and throws you off your orbit.  My hope is still that my stories help someone else and help me to make sense of all this.

I find that I am talking to myself in trite hallmark sentiments that inspire rage when I hear them from other people. I think a lot about how I will come through this so much stronger than I was before. I know that he will regret quitting on  us for the rest of his life, that he will be lesser for losing me and I'll move on to find a true partner in life, not a quitter. I'm learning so much about myself right now and that's a new level of fitness for me. Get to really know myself, do what I can to help myself feel better or at least not feel worse.  My painting class ends tomorrow night, it's been fun playing with color and water.  I have an idea of what's next for me, it's time to get back to the gym.

I emailed a couple of trainers this week to setup interviews to find my own Jillian Michaels or Bob Harper.  I keep thinking that with the breakup I have done things differently and that's worked out for me, or so people are telling me.  So why not go to the next level with working out, hire someone to inspire me and push me.  All that will happen in 6 months is I'll either still be frustrated with my progress or I could have a whole new body, either way I'll be a year older.  I think I'd like to be a year older and a few sizes smaller and so much stronger.

Strength will win, courage will win.  From Rising Strong from Brene Brown:  "No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It's going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am brave and worthy of love and belonging."