Making Friends

I wondered this morning how, if depression is going to be a part of me for the rest of my life, I can make a relationship work with it. How can I make friends with depression? This idea came about because in church this morning the pastor read a call to action about the tragedy in Charleston and I was overcome, I couldn't speak and had tears streaming down my face and I started to panic.  Oh no, the medication isn't really working the depression is back and in charge.  A gentle voice said to me, no dear this is sadness.  Very different things, sadness I can do and depression is manageable. 

So I wondered how I can come to peace with this, how can I develop a relationship with this permanent passenger.  According to the internet I need to Focus on Others, Not Myself, Be Genuine and Pay Attention.  Thinking about focusing on Others I realized I needed to interview Depression to see what she's thinking, really get to know her so let's start. 

Hi Depression, what's your real name? I like to go by Sadly McDepresserstein, you can stick with just calling me  Depression.

Do you have any hobbies? I like ruining parades by raining, I like making it so hard to get out of bed you want to cry-are those hobbies? Oh and I like to make it so hard to do anything that all you can do is breathe and count bricks. 

So what do you look like? You described me pretty well a few weeks ago, for you I'm a fine gray weighted fog that is dragging you down, I like to wrap my self around your ankles so that it feels like you are always walking in knee deep mud.  I don't think I have a specific look but to think of me as a demented Eeyore seems to resonate the most with you. 

What about a favorite book or movie?  Anything that makes you feel sad or lingers with you, anything that makes you sink deeper into me, oh, my favorite is anything that makes you feel like your life is terrible--that's my best. 

What do you do for fun? I like to make you watch surprise military homecoming videos until you have snot bubbles, I like to overwhelm you in church by injustice and tragedy and I really enjoy showing you how alone you are with proposal and happy family videos. 

You are an asshole, you know that? Now that's no way to talk to someone you are trying to be friends with.

Yea, but my friends are kind to me, they love me and they will do nearly anything for me.  Maybe friends was unrealistic. 

So let's see, we've learned that you enjoy dragging me down, you like hurting me and your joy is in my tears, so why me? What did I do?  This isn't personal.  This is just chemistry, these are the breaks kid. You are the one with the right brain type to really screw with.  Everyone has to have a hobby you are mine. 

Even in my imaginary conversations Depression is an ass.  And no one worry, the above was for information and humors sake, I am not talking to Depression in my kitchen.  Things are slowly getting better, there are baby steps and bright spots which is all anyone can ask for.  So I haven't made friends with depression but I know that I can feel it there and I have more awareness.  That's a start. 

I appreciate so many people caring about the journey and if I can help anyone then this is worth it.  Things keep looking up, I'm finding my center again and as always the sun will come out again.