I'm tired, I'm
really exhausted from fighting with myself.
Monique and I were talking tonight and wondering why it is that every
single diet change that comes, comes with an extreme reaction. I haven't really had sugar since January. I
really avoided it and was closely watching my carb intake in an effort to see
if I felt better, and I did. No headaches but not much energy, I blame a lot of
that on the time change. But on
Wednesday I was on a plane for the first time in quite a while and wow the new
seats are small and the seatbelts are short. I did something that even at my
heaviest (70 pounds more than now) I never had to do. I had to ask for a seat
belt extender. I promise you any shame
you have felt about your body is nothing compared to asking a petite young
flight attendant for a seat belt extender for the 1" that I could not
force the freaking thing to close. I was humiliated, I was ashamed, I was
horrified. She was very kind and very
discreet in handing these to several of us and I'm sure I didn't cross her mind
again.
But it stuck with me
all day, through two muffins and a slice of lemon loaf. It stuck with me through Thursday and Friday
and with handfuls of animal crackers and
laffy taffy, through pizza and bread and whatever the hell I wanted. That voice telling me that the disgusting
parts of me were never going away and the only way to silence them was to eat
and eat and eat. Except that now I’m
miserable, I have a headache from the sugar and carbs. My stomach is killing me
from being too full for too many days and I kinda hate myself for letting the
voice win, for letting a seat belt get the better of me. All my food fueled
temper tantrum did was prove to me what I already know, eating like that makes
me feel miserable and uncomfortable. The
numbing I used to get with food and sugar doesn't work anymore, I'm too aware
of my full stomach to be comforted by it.
I shared this
because I’m humbled, I'm exhausted and I want something different. I've proven to myself again that food really
doesn't do anything when you push it past nourishment. The illusion of comfort from food is gone but
I keep trying and trying and trying but it no longer silences the voice in my
head, that evil voice that keeps bringing up the seat belt extender.
So today I reached
out to get some help with working out again, I reached out on the food thing
too. The lesson here is that what used to work doesn't and instead of forcing
the issue I'm going to take the first step in the new direction. It starts here too. Telling the truth, my
truth and opening myself up for whatever may come in my journey.
