Stories and Honesty

The lie is so easy, it's so simple to tell ourselves stories that make us seem  more important, more vital to existence.  We tell ourselves stories to justify our positions, to make the inexplicable make sense.  These stories can make us the hero.

We are all the hero of our own stories.  As the information around Brian Williams keeps coming out and I'm sitting here watching American Sniper I keep thinking about honesty and the stores we tell ourselves.  In both cases Chris Kyle and Brian Williams are the hero of their own story. I honestly think that both men thought that they were telling all of the truth. 

What strikes me in both stories is that they are both amazingly impressive men.  Brian Williams was our voice in the news for the last decade, he worked hard to get where he was and somehow still felt it necessary to embellish stories that started true.  He was in a helicopter in Iraq getting the stories for us he just wasn't hit.  Still to be that close is a feat in and of its self.

I'm not interested in political debate about Chris Kyle, he was an American hero but he felt the need to embellish in his own life story to make himself look bigger and better. He wasn't satisfied with the truth, something in him, like Williams needed to be bigger.

This has been on my mind this morning a lot with looking at how we tell ourselves our stories.  Where Brian Williams and Chris Kyle told stories to make them 10 feet tall, the stories I tell myself are a bit different.  I am not going down a gender path here at all, I do embellish stories for effect. I love a good story and a laugh so I will stretch.  But the stories I'm most interested in are the ones that I tell myself.

We are not kind when it comes to telling our own stories.  I tell the story of the rape and it becomes I should have known better, that I was somehow at fault.  I tell the story of putting on weight as I'm lazy and it was the only way to comfort myself-that I don't deserve to reach out to people.  I don’t work out because I'm tired, my leg hurts and until Thursday it would kill me. 

Like Brian and Chris I know all of my public stories and I believe them, I'm fine, life is wonderful, I'm training for a marathon again.  Like them I will have to come up with a new story when something ends up not true, or I could tell the truth now.

The truth is, life is hard.  Life isn't always wonderful. Sometimes the only comfort we can find is by admitting weakness and reaching out to friends (thank you Monica and Sohp).  I want to be training for the Omaha 1/2 and will keep talking about it. 

Something about admitting this out loud bends my normal story and for today, life is wonderful and I have comfort.

Appreciation

This year I'm trying to love working out, I'm trying to love running and moving my body.  I set a goal to work out every day for 30 days to force the habit. The rule is that if I don't work out then I start over again at day 1.  This alone is inspiration to move. But working against me is the way my body moves. The way that things shake and move of their own volition, the fact that I can't bend or move as well as I'd like because things get in the way.   But there is no such thing as perfection. 

The hardest part of any journey is to remember that it's progress not perfection.  I have to appreciate the getting there more than the destination, because there is no destination with health. There is strength and stamina but no true ending.  I will never be waif thin, and I don't want that. 

I'm starting to appreciate my curves, I know all of us chubby girls all of them curves, but it's time. I have curves and valleys and rolls that the very thin don’t.  I'm sure that thin girls appreciate their angles the way I love the swell of breast or curve of my knee.

There is no judgment in this for me, it's appreciating my own unique form no matter the size I currently am. It's knowing for the jackass who yelled at me while I ran a few months ago, that there is a wolf whistle from a man in a construction truck.  I may not be your type, but I am mine.

Cleanse

This time of year I hear about all kinds of cleanses, juice cleanse, fasting cleanse, the honey, cinnamon and maple cleanse.  Yesterday I did a different kind of cleanse.  I emptied every dresser drawer, every closet and the spare bedroom and started purging.  I feel like there is just too much here, too much stuff just too much.

As I look out at 2015 Monique and I have had conversations about streamlining our food, exercising more and being kinder to ourselves.  To that list I'm adding simplifying my home.  With cleaning out all the clothing I don't love yesterday  I am reminded that there are all kinds of binging that can happen beyond just food.

I'm really enjoying the cleanse I'm on this year.  I've talked about body image and how I want to be more comfortable in my skin in my clothes.  I also want to be more comfortable in my space.  Having three bookcases, two full closets, overflow kitchen gear in a closet and overstuffed drawers aren't comfortable.

Eating food that makes me feel horrible isn't comfortable.  Wasting my talents and my strength isn't comfortable.  I'm considering something scary in February.  I'm considering working out for 30 straight days. I know, 28 days in February but I'm curious to see if I can force exercise to be a habit. I'm scared to say this out loud but I want to love fitness and running again.

I know me, I know that I can find a million things to do that are a distraction. I can find all sorts of things that can distract me from the scary thing that I am working for.  The key with that is to stay silent. Keep my goals to myself so that when I don't make them the only person I have let down is me.

And now all of you. I've said it out loud.  I said I want to work out for 30 days in a row.  And to qualify that, that's at least 15 minutes of my heart pounding like I'm in love for the first time and he's looking back at you too. We all know what that feeling is like, it's truly being alive.  And we can all have that feeling when we challenge ourselves, when we cleanse all the old feelings and attitudes and stand tall and proud and look forward.

As I'm typing this my heart is pounding a little bit, I'm admitting out loud that I want to clean out the fear, clean out the quit and move forward to the new me.  I am saying outloud that I'm worth it and that I can have big goals that someone other than me knows about.

Right now I have six bags of things for the Lydia House and already I feel lighter.  Is there a big goal you are scared to say out loud??  Go for the cleanse!

Voices in your head

There is a big push now around meditation and I could not be more excited. I love meditation, I love finding the still soft voice in my own head and learning how to move the voice aside.  What I've found with this quiet time is that I have more of an awareness of the other running commentary in my head.

I learned to meditate after a gift from my dearest friends.  I was afraid to sign up for a writers retreat at Red Feather Lakes in CO hosted by the Shambhala Mountain Center and taught by the amazing Susan Piver (www.susanpiver.com).  Susan taught this ADD girl how to sit still for 30 minutes at a time and turn off the voices-or at least how to recognize them and let them go.  I've done the retreat twice, it's a blessing to have a week in the mountains with nothing to do but write and breathe.

I have met some amazing people with incredibly diverse backgrounds.  There is the marketing guru who takes care of her husbands business, he's an artist.  A consultant who turned into a childs book author.  A farmer who is a small town newspaper editor and an expert on lichens who lives in Alaska. Each of us took time to just breathe.  I mention all of this to talk about meditation and recognizing the voices in my head and how that can tie to writing.

Meditation requires commitment, time and patience.  Susan taught me that.  Susan has instructional guides and weekly emails on her Open Heart Project. (http://susanpiver.com/open-heart-project/).  If you are interested in meditation I highly recommend checking Susan out.  She is an amazing, committed and passionate teacher.

Once I started meditation on a regular basis, I am able to recognize the voices in my head that aren't filled with kindness.  But I found a very strange way to silence those voices. the voices that tell me I'm ugly or stupid or that I did something idiotic.  The voice that says I look insane running and that the guy in the car shouting out his window was right.  The voice that hates me and anything I'm trying to change.  When I hear that voice, I turn it into my best friend's voice. Immediately the diatribe stops, immediately it ends because Jen would never, ever speak to me like that.

If you are like me and the negative voices sometimes win, put them in a voice that's kind, put them in a voice that would never hurt you, put them in a voice who loves you, especially when you can't love you. So for me meditation works into my life as recognizing my voice and learning to trust the silence.

There are many different avenues out there for learning how to meditate, find what works for you and breathe.  This all ties to writing in a very intimate way.  Those same voices control my pen, they control the creativity that I so desperately want to flex, they control my fingers over the keys but meditation brings awareness to the moment.

I've learned so much about myself, I've learned to be still and how to quiet the voice, but bigger than that I have learned that there is a voice at all.

May you find peace in this new year, may you find quiet and may you find your true voice.

Inner Monologue

After last years Lincoln 1/2 marathon I swore I would never run that far again, ever.  And now it's January and I want a Big Audacious Goal for the year.  I keep thinking of the pressure to work out and prove myself to me by running.  I can't believe it but I'm really considering running the Omaha 1/2 this year. 

I think one of my goals this year is to learn how to love running.  Right now I tolerate it, it's a great means to an end but I don't like it.  I've asked around and with few exceptions it seems to be that  you just learn to like it.  Kellie runs with a great playlist.  Susan runs with audio books.  Brent just runs with his thoughts.  I want to like running. It's expedient, it's inexpensive, it's something you can do regardless of weather, time of day and time of year (if you have a treadmill). 

Maybe what I need to consider is how do I learn to love breathing hard and sweating?  I've never been a fan of being out of control, especially of my body.  That's what happens when you are ordinarily the fattest person in a group,  you must have control (or it's illusion) for some level of comfort.  I don't like running because my body shakes in ways I hate, I cannot control that.  I am out in public and people can see me, I cannot control that (or their reactions yelling out of a car window).  I breathe hard and get very sweaty, and I cannot control that.  And as I'm out doing this thing in public where people can see me I cannot control what I assume they are thinking of me.  Let me say that again. I cannot control what I assume they are thinking of me.

I assume that every person I pass is judging me for jiggling.  I assume that they are making snide comments for the heavy breathing. I know that they are thinking that I am pathetic for my slow, trudging gait in what I call "running".  I know that they are passing these harsh judgments on who I am, what I look like and me in general.  Wow, people suck, at least in my head they do.

What I’m working on is getting over myself.  First, no one probably notices me at all, they are very much in their own lives.  Second, if they do notice me it is in passing.  Third, if they think any of those things then why do I care? Why would I care what anyone who is so nasty would think of me or anyone else.  Finally, it is very arrogant of me to think that anyone even considers me at all, that's on me.  I know once I realized that these are the thoughts in my head when I run, I try to smile at everyone I pass.  When I'm driving and I see someone like me running I send happy thoughts and congratulations to them. 

Being public with working out is hard.  Running is hard. Getting the voices in our heads to be silent is hard.  So tomorrow I'm going to take a step. I'm packing a bag and I'm going to go work out at the gym.  I may run, I may not but either way I'll remind myself that sweat is a badge of honor.  That my heavy breathing is using the lungs that were damaged by the clot over the summer and that the courage to take care of me is all that I need.  And, the Omaha 1/2 is 9 months away.  Who knows, maybe I am brave enough to do it again?

Rear View Mirror-2014

I simultaneously love and hate this time of year.  I'm not a big fan of Christmas, too much commercialism, forced gaiety and sugar-or to use a phrase from my Grandma Gerry, it's a big "to do."

I do love New Years.  It's like a brand new notebook full of creamy empty pages or cracking the spine of a book for the first time.  It's the freshly fallen snow without a footfall breaking the surface, it's all possibility and hope.  I've always tried to take some time to look back at the successes and the learning opportunities from the year.  For 2014 it was about some job stability, some new focuses for the future and fitness. With fitness I did great until July and was sidelined. I ran several 5k's, finished the Lincoln 1/2 marathon and trained for RAGBRAI.  I learned I love cycling and there is nothing better than racing down a hill.  Sidelined with DVT and a Pulmonary Embolism my workout mojo withered on the vine.

I'm disappointed that it took so many months to start to find it again and the old me-the one I broke up with earlier this year-would look at that as a failure.  But I have a new perspective on this journey. I didn't give up, I knew what I lost and thanks to friends and a professional, I am moving forward again with a new fun fitness activity, but that's a different blog post.

In 2014 I embraced being a lifelong learner, this opens so many opportunities.  January will bring me more fitness classes, the 2nd semester getting Master's degree #2, knitting class and a class on Julia Cameron's The Artists Way.  I love looking forward, and I will continue to reframe my life and my intentions.  I'm still working on my intention statement for 2015 but it's starting as: Finish what I started with Monique on 12/29/14.

Monique and I are going down this road together to figure out the path for 2015.  Her intention statement is AWESOME!  Monique will be off High Blood Pressure medicine by 12/31/15.  To get there we have signed a contract for our plan for the year.  This includes monthly goal contracts, weekly goals and leaning on each other as we try and find a new path.

For example, my goal for this past week was: No soda and no processed foods.  I defined processed foods as any packaged food where I don't know what the ingredients are.  Start small seems to be the way we are going to be successful.

I'm excited about this blank page in this new book.  Please be gentle with yourself as you look at the possibilities for 2015.  If you need a reminder to be kind, I'm here for you!

Cheers!

Runner Girl

I'm starting to embrace some titles in my life: professional, student and my new favorite, elite athlete. That was said by the pulmonary doctor when he released me back to the wild.  He referred to me twice as an elite athlete and I just smiled and agreed.

It was nice to get back in the swing of things, to get out and start running again with Monica.  It's funny how quickly you can "lose it" and how hard it seems.  Our first night out we did 2.4 miles and for the first time I was sore after running. Not bad sore but wow, I haven't used these muscles for a while sore. The second night we went we did 2.8 miles. And tonight we had a first. I left a going away party early to run. Monica wasn't feeling well but I kept a date I made with myself.

So when I got home the temptation not to run was great, it was hot and humid out. I'd had a rough day and am exhausted and Monica isn't running.  I was telling myself all of this while I was re-downloading the 10k runner and changing my clothes.  While I was putting my hair in a braid I was telling myself stories about how I should go grab dinner downstairs and not worry about eating the healthy foods I'd prepared on Sunday.  Finally while I was walking out the door and putting my ear buds in I was telling myself that I could do it and that I'm an elite athlete and elite athletes need to go run in the heat.  So I did that instead.

There are times I'm afraid of this journey I'm on. This is all uncharted territory for me.  My family isn't athletic we are, to quote Jim Gaffigan, "indoorsy."  I've never had a burning desire to compete but somehow that fire is lit inside me.  I want to see how far I can go and how fast. At the turn around point in my run I took a mental note of where I turned because next time farther and faster.

Farther
Faster