Believing the PR

I remember a few years ago telling my therapist that my goal in life was to believe the public relations that I put out about myself, that I am confident, witty, and self assured.  Believe that fine line that I deserve all the good things that happened to me and that they happened by some accident or divine intervention and not because I'm smart and work hard. I think we all do that, put out one persona for the public and one for when we are at home, alone, covered in Oreo crumbs drinking red wind right out of the bottle and arguing with Netflix about my viewing habits.  Well, maybe that second part is just me.

I have done some of the work, I've done some of the reading.  I say some because I learn more and more every day.  I am constantly looking for how I can become this person I put out in my Public Relations releases, I want to always challenge myself.  I hope that I'm never satisfied with who I am, I hope that I am constantly challenging myself to be different, to be more. 

My challenge now is to take big steps to moving forward with what I want my life to look like. Tonight we ripped the bandaid off from the breakup, I went on my first, first date in forever.  He is a very nice man. We had great conversation and we made plans to go out again next weekend if we can.  It was, all in all, a good night.  I don't know if this will turn into something, but it was good to just go out and be sparkly for a bit, to flirt and laugh with a stranger.  If nothing else I’m really proud I’m out there again, closing a door on one relationship and then blowing up the bridge that leads to that house! 

I have had so much help in this journey.  All of the people who love me of course, thank you so much. There is no one more loved on this earth than I am, and I'll leg wrestle anyone who challenges me on that!  But I've done some things too and I am going to own my part in this. I've been working out and trying to eat right (except for the aforementioned Oreo/Red Wine combo).  I've been writing a ton. Poetry is catharsis for me, so is blogging. I have always said if I can help just one person then whatever I've dealt with is worth it. I've seen a psychic, an intuitive healer, a Reiki master, and I've prayed.  I've prayed a lot.  And not for anything specific, it's more about looking for peace from whomever has hurt me. I pray for their love, peace and joy. I don't pray that I can forgive them, I pray like I have already forgiven them. And I pray for me, that I can find my own peace, love and joy in divine right, divine time. 

And something must be working. I was at lunch with a dear friend last week and she said something that nearly had me tearing up. We were talking about the hard things we are dealing with in just being an adult and how we are making such huge changes with our little tribe of women. She looked at me and said I want to be where you are,  I want to be as strong as you are and as confident.  And there it was, a crossroads.  On one side I could dismiss what she said, play it off and deny that I've changed, deny that I could possibly be an inspiration for someone. Or….or I could smile with my whole heart, acknowledge I've worked really hard to get where I am and thank this lovely woman for noticing and being brave enough to tell me that I inspire her.

I thanked her, anything else would be insincere.  And so I believed the PR.

A room of love and pizza

Relationships are complex and messy and wonderful and ugly. People bring out the best and the worst of you. How you react speaks volumes about where you are in life.

I've been struggling to put this into words and I can't without getting overly personal and I can't do that.  It's about healing and choosing not to engage in something that is outside of my control.  This is shocking to admit as a total control freak, but sometimes walking away from a situation is the only thing you can do to protect the people you really love.

Historically I've bent over backwards and sold out pieces of my soul to make people happy, to make sure that there is no conflict and part of me dies every time I've done that.  So when does preserving toxic relationships win out over self preservation? Apparently it wins out until the cost is too great to bear. What happens is that the dynamic in relationships changes and if you don't warn people then they don't know what to do. 

I've lost people because of this, but I will not lose who I am anymore.  This is terrifying.  I don’t know what will happen, I don't know how some situations will resolve themselves and fully standing up and refusing to be treated less than I treat people is hard for a people pleaser.  I hope that it will be worth it. I hope that I can inspire other people to place value on themselves and realize that you do not have to tolerate being treated less than. You do not have to tolerate being used or letting someone trash you. You can walk away. You can ignore it and as my mother taught me, take the high road.

In all of the situations I've encountered lately I have to ask myself if I have to apologize for the way I reacted, and I try to make sure that what I've done makes me feel ok with myself. The apology includes one to me.  I think that's where people tend to miscalculate, they don’t look at how these things impact the person in the mirror. 

The good news is that healing is possible and while walking away is hard, there is still mourning and things to address.  I have wonderful people in my life who I can talk to and who will help with whatever I need.  There is nothing that heals more than being with people who truly love you.  I've been lucky enough to be able to have a sister to lean on and we had a room of love and pizza and each other.

Trainwreck in Tap Shoes

I don't know how Bobby and I got on the subject of my tap recital recently but it was an enlightening conversation. As little brothers do, he was teasing me about the fact that, at 40, I had my first dance recital. I love this story, I love how fun it was and I completely own all of it.

Jen (mythical best friend of 27 years) will say yes to me regardless of the question. If I call, I can't get past will you...and she's completely on board. It's been like that for years now and I love her for always being so willing to have an adventure. I told Jen that I wanted to take a dance class and she was 100% on board.  We signed up for adult Tap and Jazz and were two of 7 in the class. We worked from September to April on our two dances.

On the tap part, we came in on opposite sides towards each other and both of us had to make a study of the floor or we'd start laughing.  In hindsight we should have taken it maybe a bit more seriously but we had so much fun.  On the day of the rehearsal we allowed people to come see (or insisted).  We didn't want anyone there on the day of the actual performance.  I have the pictures of our class (like any 7 year old would) and I have the DVD which I did allow my ex to watch but I've never looked at it myself. I know how, um, interesting the dance was as we were doing it.  I'd be entirely too embarrassed to watch it.  Maybe someday Jen and  I will have some wine and put it in but I doubt it.  It's not that I have no skills, I just get distracted and then stop paying attention.

When Bobby brought up the recital to make his kids laugh, I couldn't help but laugh too. It was a mess, and I was--in my words--a trainwreck in tap shoes!  And I completely own that, and I wouldn't change a single thing about any of it. I learned so many important things about myself that it's worth every embarrassed giggle.  I think I love that most about me, I love that I can own things that would embarrass other people! What's the point if we can't laugh at ourselves?

So I will freely admit that I was a train wreck in tap shoes and I know that there are other things that I'll do (and con Jen into doing with me) that most women "our age" would never do, but I'd rather be that than to regret missing out on even one laugh.

I love this picture and I will always pick the front row.  Which row are you going to choose? Will you even be brave enough to pick or will you hold the purses and stand in line?

On being a Writer...

It's a tough title, it's one I've shied away from for years, being a Writer or a Poet is something I take very seriously and the title carries weight with me. This week I spent time looking for an old training guide that I developed in 2000, and in searching through plastic bins I found all of my old poetry notebooks, some papers and some fiction I'd written in high school and college. I'm delighted that most of my college essays had, scrawled at the top, copied for the class. I forgot most of them and certainly forgot I was used as an example.

It's funny now to see them, typewritten with whiteout and all masking the errors, but the writing was solid. And even funnier are the carefully handwritten papers, blue ink, double spaced and more whiteout.  Overall the tone is a bit young but very solid and I'm not embarrassed about it. Ok, truth be told, the poetry is very gushy and hallmark but I was young and it's how I processed falling in love for the first time. And eventually processed him cheating on me and breaking my heart (sound familiar at all?).  I pulled all of it into a single bin and have it in my office now. I want to go through it not just because it'll be fun to see where I was but I'm sure there are nuggets I can pull out and play with.  For example a phrase to play with: shining knight in a black camaro.  That needs revisiting, so does an essay I wrote at 16 about sports and the idea of men planting themselves in front of a TV for four months during football season--not bad for a kid!

I've been writing very consistently ever since picked up a pen at 16 trying to sort out my feelings, it's how I've processed the big things that happened in my life from love to not love, from joy to pain and later it was how I got to the other side of PTSD. I process with a pen and paper, I have reams of paper and dozens of notebooks but I don't really  consider myself a writer because I've never been published.  But that's not true either, I used to have a column in a local magazine years ago, so I've been published.  Yet I hold the title Writer reverently and refuse to apply it to myself, that is until recently. Recently I've described myself as a Poet who does project management to pay the bills or a Writer who has a job to pay the bills.

Calling myself a Writer is easier than saying I’m a Poet. I remember the first time I said I was a poet, it was 2 years ago.  I went to the Iowa Summer Writing Festival and took a week long session with Dora Malech and it was amazing. At the end of the week Dora offered up an hour to each of us to just talk one on one.  I told her I was having a hard time saying I was a poet. She leaned back, crossed her arms and said "say it, say you are a poet, because you are one." I was flabbergasted and stumbled but said it, I am a poet.  When I was checking out of my hotel later that day the hotel clerk asked if I was there for the festival and I nodded and said, "Yes, I'm a poet," and then promptly burst into tears because it was the first time I owned it out loud. 

I still struggle with owning it, with owning that I am a Writer and that I want to be a Writer. There are lots of opportunities in Omaha to share poetry and I hesitate to step forward and put my hand up, I need to work on that more this year. I do regularly go to an open mic (watch my Facebook if you are interested) and will continue to seek opportunities to help me develop my writing and share my poems.  And even typing that I have a small constant voice in the back of my head asking just who the hell I think I am saying any of this. 

Oh that voice, that same voice that says I can't run a mile or that cake is better than working out. This voice wants me to not only stay where I am but would probably like me to go back a few steps. This voice holds me back and does not want anything to change, but she can't win.  The things I'm doing today are uncomfortable and new and terrifying and exciting and scary and necessary.  I will not be who I've always been because while I love that it got me to where I am, there are other things I need to do.  So I'm a Poet-project manager-daughter-sister-aunt-friend-runner, and I can't wait to see what additional hyphenates I can add to that someday!

**Writer and Poet are capitalized on purpose and with forethought.**